Same Old
SAME OLD
As time went by, the days seemed to start blending into one another. But this time round, it wasn’t because of the same old, boring, stultifying routine.
In Malta, the arrival of spring brings with it a fresh breeze and warm sunlight that make me feel alive again. Most importantly, the weather is perfect for all kinds of water sports. From kayaking and paddleboarding to scuba diving and freediving, I could finally reconnect with the sea – the place where I truly feel alive. Not to mention chilling on a beach with a cold beer!
Apart from that, I was feeling healthier than I had in a long time. I was working out three to five times a week, following a routine that featured weightlifting, calisthenics, yoga and cardio. I had also taken up running and, after a couple of months, could already manage a 10K – at least until I injured my right knee. Plus, I had been smoke-free for over a year. I felt and looked good!
I also made plenty of time for reading and writing. I finally decided to start making my way through The Complete Works of William Shakespeare – something I had been meaning to do since I was a kid. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was something I was doing for fun, so I didn’t exactly set myself a deadline for finishing the giant tome. As for writing, I continued focusing on my blog and uploaded more of my gap-year adventures – meaning I was still two years behind! At the same time, I kept the momentum going by journalling about the present. I hoped that, at some point, I’d get to publish a few pieces here and there again, though that could wait.
I had finally managed to build a routine that I genuinely loved. It kept me busy and left me with very little unstructured time, sure, but I was also genuinely happy!
A New Work Routine
As great as everything seemed to be going, it wasn’t all fun and games. Little by little, the perfect little life I had built for myself began to derail.
With my second year as a BST in full swing, it was time to begin my specialty rotations. Although I would still work weekends and night shifts in the ED, these rotations would take me away from it as my main placement for six months at one go. I had chosen emergency medicine because I loved emergency medicine – and now I would be spending six months mostly away from it! That said, it would admittedly serve as a nice break from the constantly busy and chaotic ED. And so, I’d have six months of rotations:
- Anaesthesia: This would involve six weeks of attending surgeries and hanging out with the anaesthetist to learn about sedation and airway management skills like intubation. Of all the rotations, this would be the most useful given that resus cases often demand such knowledge and skills.
- Ophthalmology: Having never worked in this specialty before, let’s just say it’d be a breath of fresh of air to work in an entirely different department. While a month of shadowing wouldn’t turn me into a specialist, by the end of it I’d be able to perform simple procedures like removing foreign bodies from the surface of the eyeball and recognise certain conditions I wouldn’t have to usually deal with myself.
- ENT: Having worked ENT on-call shifts back as a junior doctor, this rotation would serve as a good refresher. While on most days I’d be shadowing junior doctors myself, let’s just say my role would probably involve helping them rather than learning.
- Obstetrics and gynaecology: While most patients with gynaecological issues would be chucked straight to this department, I’d still get to treat the occasional patient myself – meaning this rotation would certainly come in useful. Much like ophthalmology, my experience with gynae was mostly through my studies – meaning I had a lot to learn.
And it showed. By properly learning the guidelines instead of merely skimming through them, I could now apply what I was studying in practice rather than constantly looking things up on the spot or asking my colleagues for advice. When my juniors asked me a question, I could refer to actual studies and evidence instead of replying with the usual, “Cause that’s how we do it.” Of course, I’m talking about the more complex aspects of medicine here, not the basics. Those had been ingrained in us throughout medical school and our foundation programme.
When Balance Became Burnout
Still, in trying to excel in both my professional and personal lives, I began to realise that I was spreading myself far too thin. Every part of my routine was meant to make me feel fulfilled.
I wanted to perform well at work, make the most of my rotations and give the MRCEM everything I had. At the same time, I wanted to keep training, running, reading, writing, travelling and spending as much time as possible by the sea. None of these things felt unnecessary. They were all important to me, and I didn’t want to sacrifice any of them.
The problem was that there were only so many hours in a day. My calendar might have looked balanced on paper, but in reality, every moment had already been assigned a purpose. If I wasn’t at work, I was studying. If I wasn’t studying, I was working out. If I wasn’t working out, I felt that I should be writing, reading or making the most of the good weather. Even the hobbies I had once turned to for relaxation gradually became things I had to squeeze into an already overcrowded schedule.
Whenever I did find myself doing nothing, I struggled to enjoy it. Resting felt less like something I needed and more like time I was wasting. There was always another guideline to revise, another blog post to finish, another workout I could fit in or another adventure I could be planning. I had become so determined to make the most of my life that I had left myself with almost no time to simply live it. The “go slow” way of life I had adapted back in Caye Caulker and Utila slowly started to fade away.
For the first time since returning from my gap year, I could feel burnout slowly creeping back in. It didn’t arrive dramatically. There was no single morning when I woke up and suddenly realised I couldn’t cope. It appeared gradually, hidden beneath the fatigue I kept dismissing as normal and the constant pressure I placed on myself to remain productive. The things that usually energised me began competing with one another for whatever little energy I had left.
I had built a routine around everything that made me feel alive, but somewhere along the way, maintaining that routine had become another job in and of itself. I wasn’t just working, studying and pursuing my interests anymore. I was constantly measuring whether I was doing enough of each one, feeling guilty whenever one part of my life was neglected and trying to compensate by pushing myself even harder. Something had to give – and, slowly, it was starting to be me.