Loose Ends
LOOSE ENDS
As I prepared to embark on my (hopefully) final quarter as a BST, I found myself looking back on the previous year’s ups and downs. And of those, there were plenty.
Academically speaking, I felt as if I’d let myself down. Failing the MRCEM SBA exam came with a lot of emotions – ones that I had been ignoring up until then. I tried to play it off as if it were no big deal, but really and truly, it kinda was. It wasn’t so much that I’d convinced myself I could get through the exam without putting my life on hold, only to be hit by the bitter realisation that I wasn’t nearly as gifted as I’d thought. It was that failing it completely derailed all the plans I had made as I locked myself in my room once again to study.
The Two Years
Starting off my career in emergency medicine, I thought I could compartmentalise and schedule all the curriculum requirements neatly.
Back in BST 1, I had finished my portfolio in Q1, aced my exam in Q2, rested during Q3 and tied up all the loose ends – including the audit proposal – by the end of Q4. It was so, so simple and well-organised. So much so that my job and all its extracurricular requirements revolved around my life, rather than the other way round. I went to Egypt, France, Austria, Italy, Scotland, Egypt again, Italy again and then the Philippines – not to mention all the crazy adventures I lived through along the way.
But BST 2 kinda kicked my ass. I was meant to get my second exam over and done with by Q1, take care of my portfolio by Q2, finish off the audit in Q3 and rest and recover by Q4. Instead, I felt as if I’d wasted Q1 entirely by failing my exam and then had to cram everything else into the remaining quarters. And somewhere along the way, I feel as if I lost touch with myself. I practically stopped working out and started smoking again. I gave up on fitness goals I had made for myself because of injuries and a lack of time. My aspirations to improve my freediving skills went up in smoke. My goal of reading through all of Shakespeare’s work was up in flames. My aim of doing a half marathon crashed and burned. And, worst of all, I lost the equilibrium I had worked so hard to achieve.
It all sounds so very pessimistic. And in reality, it wasn’t all that bad. In the end, I still managed to do everything I’d set out to do. I completed my portfolio and submitted my audit. I sat myself down, studied and learnt so much more than I had the first time round to resit my exam. Outside medicine, I still went to Scandinavia, Serbia, Jordan, Albania and then Spain – not to mention all the remaining trips I had lined up. I dragged my friends up an icy mountain, learnt how to ski on snowy slopes, trekked across deserts and canyons, lost my breath in a plunge pool surrounded by forest and had my first proper taste of mountaineering.
And as far as skills go, I still managed to improve my running, cycling and freediving. I might not be an Olympian, sure, but I sure as hell did better than the year before. Maybe the problem wasn’t that I’d done nothing. Maybe I’d simply become so fixated on everything that hadn’t gone according to plan that I’d stopped noticing everything that had.
One Last Quarter
And there was still more left to do. With only a few months until the end of the rotation – and hopefully the end of BST 2 – I still had a few loose ends to tie up.
First up was the MRCEM SBA. I had sat it one day before my birthday, and studying for it had definitely turned me into a better clinician. Pass or fail, it had still been an investment well worth my time. And I felt good about it. I was way, way more confident than I had been the first time round and, though I couldn’t quite gloat just yet, I had a good feeling about it. But then there was also the departmental exam to get out of the way. Given that I had to make up for all the night shifts I’d swapped for my upcoming trip, I’d barely had any time whatsoever to study for it – meaning there was a pretty good chance this journal would eventually feature a ‘BST 3’ section.
But after that, come what may, I’d be going on another adventure of a lifetime. I couldn’t quite say I was excited for it – not at the time, at least – given that there were still so many uncertainties hanging over my head. As I saw it then, my life after the trip could go one of two ways, depending on whether I passed the MRCEM and the departmental exam:
- Pass: If I passed, I’d come back having cleared the main hurdles standing between me and an HST post. That meant that, once again, I’d have to divide an ever-growing list of things I needed to accomplish into neat little quarters. I’d have more responsibility at work – something I was actually looking forward to. My shifts would also be different – something I was quite dreading. But I figured I’d deal with that in due time.
- Fail: If I failed, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. BST 3 would probably be a much more relaxed year, given that I’d already have the vast majority of my requirements out of the way. That said, failing the MRCEM again would still be kinda devastating, especially knowing that I’d really given it my all this time round. The departmental exam was another story. Failing that would still be a tough blow, but at least I’d have been consoled by the fact that I’d only managed to put a couple of hours of work into it.
No matter how things panned out, both paths would eventually reconverge at the same place – my daily life. All the while, I’d either be preparing for the next MRCEM exam in January or finding myself back at the previous one again. Either way, I’d study and work hard, but I’d already decided that I wasn’t going to spend another year sitting on the sidelines in the meantime.
Bring it On!
All in all, I was beginning to realise that I’d been looking at everything the wrong way and probably just needed a little perspective.
BST 2 might not have gone exactly according to plan. I had failed things. I had let some goals slip. I had lost some of the balance I’d fought so hard to build. But I had also travelled, climbed, skied, trekked, ran, cycled, dived, finished my portfolio, completed my audit and picked myself back up to sit the exam again. Maybe a good year didn’t have to be one that went according to plan. Maybe, just maybe, it was enough that, when the plan fell apart, I kept going anyway – despite all the failures.
And, I guess, the most important thing, is that even though I had no idea what would happen next, I was still looking forward to all of it. New travel destinations, new fitness goals, new career prospects – anything and everything life would throw my way. Finally, after months of self-doubt and apprehension, I was ready to find out. Bring it on!