Q1 - JOURNAL ENTRIES

Journal entries from the first quarter of my second year in basic specialist emergency training:

• It was a particularly slow night shift when the paramedics brought in a man they had found visibly intoxicated at a bar. We ran the usual tests, started some IV fluids and left him in a cubicle for observation. Patients who take a while to recover would normally be admitted, but we had plenty of space that night, so we gave him some time to sober up. It took him around five hours to come to, by which point his blood alcohol result had returned and was only mildly elevated. He eventually admitted to drinking one beer. One beer. That was it.

• I asked a man who had tripped and fallen how he could possibly claim that he hadn’t hit his head when his chest was covered in blood and teeth. He assured me that he hadn’t. I insisted that he must’ve. Turns out, the blood had come from a wound on his arm, while the “teeth” were cloves of garlic. He must’ve been hungry.

• “I know what you guys go through,” said one patient’s relative, “I’m a government worker too.” “Cool,” I replied, “What do you do?”. “I’m a clerk.” I nearly tore his head off.

• I was looking after the sweetest 104-year-old woman, who had been sent in from long-term care for a head CT after knocking her head against the bed. Given that she was taking aspirin, they wanted to make sure she hadn’t sustained an intracranial bleed. When the scan came back clear, I went to tell her that she could return home. She grabbed my arm, hugged it and said, “Awh, thank you, Doc. I love you! But with those earrings, you look like a complete and total f****t.”

• I occasionally fart inside a cubicle and blame it on the patient if anyone mentions the smell. Today, I tried the same thing. The patient had a colostomy. Caught brown-handed.

• A fellow healthcare worker who had previously presented with both chlamydia and gonorrhoea has now returned with syphilis. They completed the STI hat-trick.

• It’s a busy night shift from hell and we haven’t had time to eat. Meanwhile, my patient brought in pizza and is happily feasting away. The same patient I had just told needed to remain nil by mouth for an urgent appendicectomy.

• A fisherman came to the ED to get a fishing hook out of his finger. He brought tools with him and told us exactly how to go about it. I love this guy. 

• My patient’s relative keeps on asking me for advice about her own medical condition while her mother is slowly dying away. I told her to go register if she’s so concerned. 

• A young guy nearly died from cooking pasta in a pot he previously boiled eucalyptus essential oil in. Oh humans…