I.I.III – Reignited
I.I.III
REIGNITED
They say that ignorance is bliss. They also say pineapples shouldn’t be on pizza. Or that downing an entire can of whipped cream at one go is bad for you. Clearly ‘they’ is an idiot and ignorance is not bliss. What I’m trying to say in all these convoluted terms is that if I’ve learnt anything at all, it’s that I’d much rather be a miserable old grouch on my own terms rather than leading a blissful life based on a lie.
This realisation also came at the time of my awakening. Before then, I had always been an average guy at best, blending in with the rest of the crowd without any ambitions or aspirations. Up until then it felt like I was going through life without having ever lived for one second. It was Avril Lavigne’s world and I was just a spectator. Looking back at those times it feels as if those memories belong to someone other than myself… Does that make any sense? Everything about my past started to feel so unfamiliar all of a sudden.
They call this jamais vu. But it wasn’t just unfamiliar. It felt weird. Like I had become the total opposite of what I once was. I had piggybacked on other people’s backs all the way up until that moment of realisation. I had had it so easy. Every step I took was chosen for me. By parents, by friends, by teachers… None of it was me. Just tell me where to go and I’ll gladly and mindlessly follow – exactly like a sheep. But not your ordinary woolly sheep. No way. I was a blind sheep. And my wool was all tangled up and coarse and dirty and my flesh tough and leathery. Trust me. No one would have ever wanted to spin that wool or taste that mutton. Yuck. In hindsight, it was a sad, sad, boring existence.
Then I started wondering. Had I always been like that? Were all my seventeen years of life a complete waste of time? My god, you know how much time, money and energy go into raising a human being? And for what? So that I could become yet another robot? I felt like one of those mindless extras in Katy Perry’s “Chained to the Rhythm” music video who was suddenly given the gift of consciousness – which might sound great, but, in reality, it filled me with this uneasy existential dread.
All those years’ worth of resources – wasted! I started spiralling. “Damn, I wasted seventeen years of my life!” And everyone kept on dishing the same clichés: “But you’re so young! You’ve still got your life ahead of you son! The world is your lemon, make oysters!”. Well, bite me. If I had wanted that level of condescension, I would’ve paid a visit to my aunt Josephine. I stopped panicking and tried to make sense of everything.
There I stood, facing yet another different version of myself, one that was oddly enough more familiar than the Marius of the previous years. I realised I was much more alike Kid Marius than the adolescent one. And Kid Marius? He was impulsive, chaotic, always up to no good, honest to the bone, direct, blunt, curious. And most of all, passionate. KM didn’t take any BS. No way. KM was a hurricane, a force to be reckoned with.
And you know what? KM wanted to be a wizard. That’s right. Can you imagine? Changing reality with just one flick of a finger? Sorry wand-lovers, but fingers would be infinitely more useful and convenient. Plus, you’ve got around ten of those, give or take. And potions! Potions of all hues and colours. Some would bubble, some would shine, and some would scream! My god, I used to watch, rewind and rewatch the scene where queen Grimhilde made that potion that turned her into a witch ad nauseum. I think that’s why I always rooted for the villains. They always had the cool stuff. Not just the power of ‘love’ or ‘friendship’ or whatever it was that made my eyes roll so hard I could see my optic canal.
But then you start growing up. You go to school and before you know it, you start integrating with the rest of society. And in society magic is not real. In society, magic is a one-way ticket to a psych ward. So, what’s the next best thing? Science! And that’s exactly what I wanted to study. I wanted to be a scientist. What kind of scientist? A scientist. That’s it. In the broad meaning of the word. Specialisation is for insects. As a scientist I could be a chemist who’d still be able to make all kinds of potions, a biologist who’d be able to breed all kinds of exotic animals and plants (and possibly set them loose all around me) and a physicist who could manipulate the laws of the universe just for fun.
Ambitious right? Sure, but when you’re a kid everything’s possible. And curiosity makes it all the more likely. Until that same curiosity is stifled by an oppressive educational system that seems to know what’s good for you without actually taking your wants and needs into consideration. And in trying to keep my interest in magic and knowledge alive, archaeology seemed to be a good compromise. I’d unearth all kinds of buried treasure, learn all kinds of esoteric facts, and maybe, just maybe, I’d stumble upon a curse or two thereby proving the existence of magic once and for all. Take that sceptics!
But if this was such a good compromise, what the hell happened to KM? I blame his sudden disappearance on the educational system. It forces you to choose the subjects you think are going to be pertinent to your career and shoves down your throat a couple of others. At the ripe and tender age of thirteen. At thirteen, you’re not old enough to have a drink, however you’re definitely old enough to know what you’re gonna want to be doing for the rest of your life. Makes a lot of sense now, doesn’t it? And somehow, I wonder how or why, KM got lost in a system that forsakes an individual’s passions and interests. It is just too easy to lose your way.
And that’s what happened to me. That’s what happened to most people I knew really. Which is ironic considering the etymology of the word “education” comes from a Latin word that roughly translates to “nourishing” or “leading forth.
As Dr. Suess aptly puts it, “It is better to know how to learn than to know.” Exactly the opposite of what the educative system I was brought up in stood for. I wasn’t learning stuff just for the sake of it anymore – simply because it was fun and cool and I was curious for more. Not at all. I learned and studied just so I could pass my exams. And then what?
I was numbed into submission without ever realising it. It’s terrifying. I’m talking George Orwell “1984” terrifying. Living in a world without any form of free will. And to think, I could’ve gone through my entire life like that… Seriously! Right now, somewhere in the multiverse, in the darkest timeline there’s another Marius who never got to reach that point in his life. And you wanna know what he’s doing? He’s lying in the dark, in foetal position, in a pool of his own urine, paralysed and unable to move forwards. I was this close to becoming that person.
Then it was like Gandalf had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, raised his staff and hit it hard against a giant boulder which cracked in half to allow a ray of sunshine through. That’s exactly how it felt once I awoke from that slumber. For the first time since I was a kid, I was lucid!
Since then I feel like I have reconnected with my own past. Like somehow, against all odds, against all boundaries, I can look at the mirror and see my younger self. And Kid Marius is proud of who I became. Because not only am I now (kind of) a scientist, I am now convinced that magic does exist. Only magic is not the same as that we see on TV or in comic books. Magic is science. Science explains the unreal in a way that we can understand it. It is just as poetic, full of emotions and alive as the magic we believe in as young kids.