Idealism
V.I.II
IDEALISM
Recent events had shaken me to my core. Once again, I’d become conscious of the state we seemed to be living in. I couldn’t stand how much reality diverged from the ideal. It was something I’d dealt with easily years back, after my awakening.
Back then, I’d started noticing the same discrepancy between how things are and how they should be for the first time. But my newfound passion, medicine, was already a distraction in and of itself. Studying medicine and becoming a doctor is as time-consuming as anything can get, so I’d leave the rest to those in charge. That’s why there are police officers, lawyers, economists and politicians after all. As long as I could practise my passion and exist comfortably in my own little bubble, nothing else mattered.
Of course, I was just rationalising my own laziness and apathy. I’d feel guilty at first, but then that same guilt would fade away with time. Until I finally realised I’d been numbed into submission. I’d become part of the same system that disgusted me. Suddenly, I’d re-opened my eyes to all these things. All the issues I’d swept under the rug were finally out in the open again. Personal, political, economic and environmental rights suddenly mattered once more.
At that point, it felt like I was on my own trying to answer the age-old question: “Why is everything so effed up?”. In trying to reconcile the dichotomy between the ideal and the real, I realised my very own logic was flawed.
I’d been asking the wrong question. I’d been asking why things weren’t as they should be. Me, Marius. Master of spontaneity and unpredictability, suddenly interested in how things should be. At that point it stopped being a cognitive dissonance and turned into flat-out hypocrisy. Who the hell knows how things should be, huh? Are we talking about moral realism here? That moral facts do exist? Because if so, who is that calls the shots? Who decided that one thing is either good or bad – and on what grounds? Why do we consider honesty as something that is intrinsically good and murder as something intrinsically wrong? Should we even question such basic, deeply entrenched values if we’re trying to figure out what we should or shouldn’t do?
I think asking such questions is why I gave up on trying to affect change back then. These are questions we can never really answer objectively, and the more you think about them, the more time you waste. And why spend what little precious time we have wondering whether honesty is good and murder is wrong? Maybe honesty feels good because we’ve been conditioned that way. Maybe it feels good because the alternative feels bad. Or maybe, honesty feels good simply because it just is. Just like how one plus one will always be two.
So what about white lies? Does that mean honesty can sometimes be wrong too? And under certain circumstances, can murder be justified? Does that mean that everything is subjective? Maybe that’s the heart of the matter. That there’s no right and wrong. That it’s not just black and white. That something seen as universally good can, under certain circumstances, be harmful. And something we’re brought up to shun might be the thing that benefits the most.
Take theft for example. Isn’t it acceptable for Grace, a single mother of three who works a hundred-hour week with no financial support, to steal food from a grocer to feed her starving kids? Isn’t it deplorable for Miles, a business tycoon born into money who took over his daddy’s enterprise, to partake in tax evasion just to expand his empire? In a black-and-white world, theft is theft and theft is wrong. Easy. But in an ideal world, there wouldn’t be starving kids, and tycoons would pay their taxes in full. In an ideal world, there’d be no need for an infrastructural system if all it does is give people opportunities to work around it and exploit it. In an ideal world, black is black and white is white. Simple.
I guess, the point I’m trying to make, is that the minute I started to requestion my values and where we stand as a society, I was at a complete loss. Clearly, we’re so far removed from an ideal world that black is sometimes white and white is sometimes black. We rationalise every single principle we’ve ever been taught and adjust it to our wants and needs on a case-by-case basis. We pick and choose what’s right and what’s wrong depending on what suits us best.
I think that’s why we’ve become too liberal with our definition of values. I’m not saying we should go back to the Middle Ages where everything is either black or white, but somewhere along the years, we’ve lost track of what really matters. Or at least I did.
Looking back on my childhood, I grew up surrounded by role models that shaped my morals and values. Role models that taught me right from wrong. Ones that taught me to stick to what’s right even when it doesn’t suit me. Ones that taught me that honour and integrity define us. They also taught me failure. What it means to suffer, to lose, to hurt. And they taught me how to get back up. How to pick up the pieces, how to stand up after falling, how to learn from my mistakes.
And these role models? Pretty hard to come by in real life. In fact, they were mostly fictional – I did spend most of my childhood cooped up on a sofa watching TV, after all. Sad though that might be, at least I got something worthwhile out of it. From Goku, who taught me discipline and resilience, to Ash, who taught me teamwork and friendship. From Naruto, who taught me that being the black sheep isn’t necessarily bad, to Luffy, who taught me to never give up on my goals.
Then there were the ones who taught me about the bigger picture. Sailor Moon, Sabrina, Xena and Buffy, the Halliwell sisters and the Gilmore Girls – as a sheltered kid, I never knew sexism was a thing because these strong, badass women were always part of my life. I may not be a woman, but I hear your roar. Likewise, the Winslows, the Banks and the Kyles welcomed me into the black community – I had no idea a different skin colour comes with baggage. And boy how much baggage I was unaware of back then. Then there were Will and Grace, The OC and Grey’s Anatomy that introduced me to LGBT+ issues – something I had almost zero exposure to in the conservative bubble I grew up in.
Back then, I was unaware of the injustices of the world. All the ‘isms’ and ‘phobias’ weren’t on my radar. I used to think it was because I was an innocent kid. But now? Now I think it’s because I was an innocent, white, male kid.
Growing up, these principles stuck with me – to some extent. Little by little, the outside world chipped at them, and slowly they weakened. In trying to reconcile the fictional with the real, I started to compromise my values without realising.
How else is anyone supposed to fit in when the world is so damn rotten and evil? And fitting in? Isn’t that what all kids want? And that’s when kids stop being kids and become… well, monsters. God, I hated kids when I was one myself. All the insulting, the bullying, the petty drama. I watched soaps and all kinds of dramas too, so I was kinda over that whole pre-adolescent phase before even starting it.
Little did I know the same dynamics follow us all our lives. I’d look forward to the next phase thinking I’d escape the crap, only to realise it’s the same crap all over again. From childhood to adolescence to adulthood. The same dynamics. People trying to fit in. There are the alphas who dominate the scene, the betas who stick to them like leeches (RIP Lily), and then the omegas. Trying to be your own person? Refusing to partake in the nonsense? Standing by what you’ve been taught is right? Good luck. You’re naïve, a loser, an idiot and a nobody if you don’t conform to the status quo.
And that’s what happened to Kid Marius. Kid Marius, a force to be reckoned with, suddenly gave way to Adolescent Marius. And that guy? Ugh. Hate him. Adolescent Marius kinda makes me nauseous, to be completely truthful. He was always a comfortable omega, always on the sidelines. He had his opinions but mostly kept them to himself. He had his principles but seldom needed to put them into practice. He’d avoid conflict by compromising, he’d avoid attention by conforming. He didn’t quite indulge in the insulting, the bullying and the petty drama – but he made himself smaller and wilted in the shadows of those who did.
But then Adolescent Marius had his awakening and gave way to Present Marius – me. And now, I follow my own path. I follow others when need be, but I also lead. I do whatever makes me happy and because of that, I found myself to be a better person. Sticking to what is right makes me happy. Compromising my principles and my integrity doesn’t. Simple. And my principles? They’re pretty much what my role models taught me as a kid. Only now, I’ve come to learn that life isn’t black and white. It’s a spectrum with all shades of grey in between.
If I want reality to converge with the ideal, the change has to start with me. I have to practice what I preach. I can’t complain about a broken system if I’m the one who keeps on breaking it or does nothing to make it work. I have to do my best to choose right over wrong and stick to my principles, and that’s it. That’s all I can do. That’s all anybody can do.