Journal entries from my rotation in emergency medicine:

• • • I go in to see a patient with a fever, headache, generalised muscle aches and a cough. She’s Ukrainian and doesn’t know a single word of English. Luckily enough, her husband is a Ukrainian doctor who boasts that he speaks five languages fluently, including English. Unluckily enough, he can’t answer even the most basic questions I pose. I tell him it’s probably COVID and he looks genuinely shocked. We’re three years into the pandemic and he still thinks it’s not possible. The swab result later confirms that it is, in fact, possible. 

    • Last patient of the shift. Simple discharge. Printer breaks. System freezes. Patient sighs loudly and says, “Doctors really don’t wanna work anymore.”

    • It’s a chill day. It never is. But today, it’s a chill day. I’m bored out of my mind, so I set myself the noble goal of fixing one PC. I call the IT agency and they tell me to call the internal IT department, who tell me to call the IT agency, who tell me to call the internal IT department who tol- you know how this goes. I tell the agent I’m not a friggin ping-pong ball before he abruptly hangs up. I then receive three emails: one stating I’ve opened a claim, a second saying it’s being processed, and a third stating the issue has been resolved. It wasn’t.

    • If I hear another patient calmly explaining that their pain level is a 12 on 10 once more, I might just implode. 

    • A man storms into emergency demanding to be seen immediately cause he’s been waiting “over three hours.” I check the system. He arrived twelve minutes before. “Yeah, but that’s basically three hours in pain-time.”

• • • Reason number one why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: Do you suffer from any medical conditions?
Patient: Nope, healthy as a fiddle!
Me: Do you take any regular medications?
Patient proceeds to roll out an entire scroll.

• • • Reason number two why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: Do you take any regular medications?

Patient: Of course! There’s this big white pill, then a blue one, another white one but smaller, oh, and half a green one. And there’s the one with the cross. 

• • • Reason number three why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: Do you take any regular medications?
Patient: Boy, do I!
Me: What are they?
Patient: I’ll be damned if I remember the names!
Me: What are they for?
Patient: No clue!

• • • Reason number four why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: So, what’s brought you in today?
Patient: The ambulance! HEHEHEH.

• • • Reason number five why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: Do you have any allergies?
Patient: To my wife! HEHEHEH.

• • • Reason number six why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Me: Do you have any allergies?
Patient: Painkillers.
Me: Which ones?
Patient: All of them.
Me: Even paracetamol.
Patient: Especially paracetamol. It just doesn’t work. 

• • • Reason number seven why doctors have a high rate of alcohol consumption:

Patient: How long till you see me?
Me: Hard to say.
Patient: I’m just gonna pop out for a smoke then.
Me: Sir, you came in with chest pain. 

• • • Mrs Thrombus comes in with lower limb swelling.

Me: When did you first notice it?
Her: A while ago.
Me: What’s a while ago?
Her: Hmm… it’s been a while.
Me: A day, a week, a month perhaps?
Her: A while ago.

Moving on. She tells me she’s on warfarin, a blood thinner.

Me: Do you know why you take warfarin?
Her: Not really…
Me: Have you ever had any blood clots?
Her: No, never.
Me: Not in your legs or lungs?
Her: No, no, never.
Me: Does your heart work okay?
Her: Of course!
Me: You’re absolutely sure?
Her: Of course!

I check her digital records. She’s had bilateral deep vein thromboses and bilateral pulmonary emboli – blood clots in both legs and both lungs. I relay this to my senior.

Him: When did you notice the swelling?
Her: About a month ago.
Him: Have you ever had any blood clots?
Her: Two in my legs and two in my lungs.

• • • Mr John Doe is found in the middle of the street, covered in blood, swinging a knife around. My senior eventually calms him down and takes a history.

My senior: Have you ever tried to harm or kill yourself?
Patient: What am I, stupid? I only wanted to kill my dad.
My senior:
Me:

• • • A patient comes in saying he’s “allergic to painkillers”.

Me: Which ones?
Him: All of them.
Me: Even paracetamol?
Him: Especially paracetamol. It doesn’t work.

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    • It’s my last day and the departmental police officer finally gives in to my relentless begging. I get to wear his police hat. Peak career achievement.