Journal entries from my rotation in neurology:

• • • It’s Christmas Day, and I’m on call. I’m enjoying an impromptu feast set up by the nurses in my ward when I’m paged to see Mr. Crap – a demented and confused patient. I get to the ward and am immediately drawn to the patient in question by all the commotion and a particular smell. Only, it’s not him I look at first. The entire room is full of faeces he flung all over. It was everywhere – on the curtains, on the walls, on the floor, the windows, the doors, the sink – everywhere. The other patients in the room, of course, were evacuated to the corridor. I wear an apron, mask, and gloves and brave the swamp that has become of the room. There’s more crap all over his catheter, his IV line, his nasal prongs. “I’m assuming this is Mr. Crap,” I cheekily mumble to the nurses and orderlies holding him down. “He also needs a cannula, doc.” the nurse cheekily mumbles back.

    • Three weeks after the whole ‘swamp ordeal’, I’m on call again and pop by the same ward. There’s the same nurse, and we’re laughing about the incident. About how most people went home to enjoy their Christmas Day while we were there scooping up Mr. Crap’s crap. She tells me his COVID swab came back positive later that day.

    • Mr. Gamer is a 25-year-old guy who suffers from ADHD and epilepsy. Yesterday, he decided to take a Ritalin overdose so he could stay up all night playing on the PlayStation. Today, Mr. Gamer came in with intractable seizures.

    • In the brisk, cold December air, I realised my lips would have to remain chapped and sore. Turns out, I dropped my lip balm whilst doing CPR on a patient. If found, kindly return to sender – just in case anyone’s out there grave-robbing…

    • We’re paged about a patient having a seizure. It’s my colleague’s first time handling one. She seems to be managing it like a boss though. She did her ABCs and gave the right drugs. “What’s left?” she asks. “Telling him he can’t drive for a year” wasn’t what she was after.

    • Valentina has become famous all around the hospital. She got into a fight with a medical specialist and wrote on the patient’s notes that he “started screaming at her like an uncivilised human being” when she called him. The senior in question is renowned as one of the nicest medics of all. She is renowned as being the most arrogant and aggressive house officer of all. Guess I wasn’t crazy after all…

    • Somehow, during our ward round, my phone’s Siri got automatically activated, prompting her to ask me, “How can I help you, Overlord of all that is Evil?” Would’ve been funny had it not occurred in front of Dr. Pearl.

    • On top of everything, Mr. Chill has developed erectile dysfunction. Having been immobile in bed for months on end, it was his first time trying to play with his member. I prescribed him a healthy dose of masturbation before proceeding with further investigations.

    • For the holiday season, we all agreed to do Twelve Days of Sweet Treats, where a different doctor would bring something every day. We’ve had doughnuts, brownies, cupcakes, cannoli, muffins, cakes, pudding, cookies, apple pie, banana bread, profiteroles, and macarons – not to mention diabetes.

    • You know what’s more mortifying than wearing a Christmas sweater at work? Wearing a Christmas sweater while certifying someone dead.

    • This random surgeon with whom I’ve never spoken berated me for having earrings on. I never thought I could use the sexism card.

    • Ms. Sophisticated is this fifteen-year-old intellectually impaired girl we admitted in view of seizures. She’s taken a liking to me – flipping me off instead of punching me like she does with other doctors.

    • Whilst dealing with a CPR on a 23-year-old, my pager kept going off. The only thing that could’ve been worse would’ve been a CPR on a 22-year-old, and so, after the sixth call, I told a nurse to pick up the call. Turns out, my discharged patient had been waiting a full twenty minutes for her sick certificate. She couldn’t believe my audacity!

    • My patient’s relative requested a meeting with our firm. Turns out, he’s a pharmaceutical rep, and he gave us a box of COVID rapid antigen tests (RAT) as a Christmas gift. Nifty!

    • They just opened a new ward to cater for the overflow of patients we’re getting from COVID. The hospital’s CEO inaugurated it. They even had this whole ribbon-cutting thing. It used to be the staff’s canteen, so most of us weren’t really thrilled about it. Not too thrilled about being followed by orderlies with a night lamp when asked to review patients at night either. Probably should’ve added a couple of light bulbs instead of buying giant scissors and a ribbon, huh?

    • I certified a death, walked out of the room, and immediately wished a nurse “Merry Christmas” on reflex. We both stood there in silence.

    • Ms Hoax is a frequent flyer that is admitted every other week with pseudoseizures – seizure-like episodes caused by psychological stress or trauma. She seemed to be doing just fine right before we stepped into the room and she lost consciousness and started jerking her limbs. I did a sternal rub and when I realised she wasn’t responding to pain, I put her in recovery position and started her on oxygen. Her phone started ringing and just like that, she opens her eyes to answer it.