Q1 - JOURNAL ENTRIES

Journal entries from the first quarter of my first year in basic specialist emergency training:

• I’m seeing this drunk Brit who was brought in by the police. His name is Hugo, and he’s here on holiday with his friends. I give him some time to sober up, then reassess him an hour later. His name is now Jeffrey, and he’s here on a business trip. By the time I go to discharge him, he’s Gordon – a French entrepreneur.

• One of our frequent flyers is brought to hospital piss drunk – again. After putting in a cannula to start hydrating him, the nurse suggests we go through his belongings to make sure he doesn’t have any injectables. He gives me the go-ahead. I open his bag and out comes a bell pepper. Then a bottle of sunflower oil. Then a carton of wine. And then, for the grand finale – a huge fish head. I feel like we must’ve ruined his dinner.

• After reassuring my patient, who came in with a heart attack, that he really does need the procedure to unblock his diseased artery, he finally agrees to proceed. I take him to the cath lab, where the cardiologist throws a fit because the ID on his ECG doesn’t match the patient’s – a clerical error. After her tantrum is over, she recomposes herself and, in front of the patient, tells me it’s no big deal. After all, her last patient died anyway.

• A woman comes in with mild epigastric pain and reflux. It looks like an easy discharge from the get-go, were it not for the five bags she has brought along with her – clearly packed for a certain admission. When I ask her what meds she takes, she points towards one of the bags. I assume it isn’t the right one – on account of there being a huge slab of ham and cheese inside.

• A man tells me he cannot possibly stay in hospital because he has work in the morning. His wife gently reminds him he retired in 2017.

• In one shift, I see six middle-aged, balding, overweight, rude men who all work as drivers, all come in with sciatica-like pain, and all want a certificate saying they can no longer work.

• I ask a patient if he has any medical problems. He says no. His wife, standing behind him, slowly opens a folder thicker than the Bible.

• A woman comes in with abdominal pain and tells me she definitely isn’t pregnant. I ask if there’s any chance at all. She says no. Her pregnancy test then contributes meaningfully to the conversation.

• A man comes in after falling off a ladder. I ask how high it was. “No, no, I only smoked weed yesterday.”