Autumn Dread
AUTUMN DREAD
As a self-proclaimed melancholic who always favoured the dull and dreary over the bright and shiny, autumn had always been my favourite season. But, along the years, summer had been a dark horse plotting against fall’s downfall. Turns out, it had just managed.
The previous summer had felt like this perfect dream I didn’t wanna wake up from. Finally, I got why people loved summer so much, why an endless summer vacation was the idea of heaven for most. And now that it was over, I had no idea how to cope. I honestly couldn’t believe I had to say goodbye to the glorious sunshine that had turned me into this bronzed-up twunk, and the sweltering heat that would usually have made me wanna gouge my eyes out, only to welcome the bitter cold and torrential rain that would have me shrivel up and waste away in my room.
I was gonna miss the salt drying on my skin after a swim, the way my hair would still smell of sea hours later, the late sunsets after work, the lazy afternoons spent sunbathing, and the spontaneous plans that somehow always ended with me in or around the water. Kayaking. Paddleboarding. Diving. Floating around doing absolutely nothing. God, I was gonna miss it all.
What Autumn Would Take Away
It wasn’t just that I’d have to replace all the newfound hobbies and adventures I had gotten oh so used to. It wasn’t just the fact that there’d be shorter and darker days, meaning I’d probably revert to being a sloth. It wasn’t just that now I’d have to work harder and start studying again for the upcoming exam.
It was having to wrap up the beautiful, perfect life I had built over the previous summer and put it on hold until the next. Somehow, no matter how I adapted to the upcoming few months, I knew it wouldn’t be the same. Because even if I climbed and biked and hiked, it wouldn’t be the same as kayaking or diving or sunbathing. Because I wouldn’t have long days to fill with all kinds of plans. Because I wouldn’t be free to do whatever the hell I wanted after work. Because summer had made my life feel bigger, brighter and lighter than it had in a long time.
Maybe, it all felt this way for one simple reason. I had reconnected to the sea and in so doing, I had found myself. The sea made me feel all that I felt while I was on my gap year: happy, alive, free. In a hectic routine where I could barely find time to think and live, the sea would give me some space to just be. What could replace it once my comfort zone would become inhospitable?
What Autumn Could Give Back
But maybe that wasn’t entirely fair. Maybe autumn didn’t have to be the death of the life I had built over summer. Maybe it could be something else. A quieter version of it. A slower one. One with less salt on my skin and more coffee in my hands. Less spontaneous swimming and more long walks under grey skies. Less chasing the sun and more learning how to sit with myself when there was nothing left to chase.
Maybe that was what scared me most. Summer had made everything feel easy because it had given me somewhere to put all my energy. The sea. The sun. The plans. The people. The constant movement. Autumn, on the other hand, was gonna ask something different of me. It was gonna ask me to slow down, to study, to write, to train, to rest, to stop running from every uncomfortable feeling the second it appeared. And maybe I needed that too.
Maybe autumn could give me structure. A reason to get back into a routine. A reason to open my books again, however reluctantly. A reason to return to the gym, to connect with my friends, to spend evenings writing instead of trying to fill every spare hour with another plan. Maybe it could give me space to get over Nick properly, instead of just distracting myself until the ache became easier to ignore.
Maybe it could remind me that not every season has to be loud and golden and full of adventure to matter. Some seasons are for living – others are for healing. And maybe, if I let it, autumn could be that. But for the time being, screw autumn – I had oen final summer adventure lined up!