Malta – Week 4: The Final Pivot
MALTA
Week 4: The Final Pivot
June 14 to 21, 2023
PART I
Amongst all the hustle and bustle of trying to keep up with everything – from working at the dive shop and hospital to going out, biking, and now working out, I received some news.
I ranked high up in the basic surgical training job position interview – meaning I’d definitely get into the programme if I wanted to. Whether I wanted to do that was still up in the air though. Once again, my head was spinning trying to make sense of things. All the pro-con lists, all the journal entries, and all the discussions I had suddenly made no sense. Despite feeling good about how the interview had gone, I still had no idea whether I’d be able to make it. But somehow, some way, I had gotten in!
Whilst I had practically made up my mind to become an emergency physician and pursue my endeavours in expedition medicine, this took me right back to square one – once again facing an impasse, a crossroads. Going into surgery and pursuing my one-true goal of becoming a neurosurgeon whilst giving up a lifetime of adventure, or becoming an expedition medic with the regret of leaving my one true passion behind. How does one manage to make such a life-changing, life-altering decision?
Conflicting Councils
I was spiraling. For once, I found that journaling and echoing my own thoughts was leading me nowhere. I had to seek council elsewhere.
I called Clara, one of my best friends, once again telling her I had no idea what to do. She told me this was practically a sign that I had to go into surgery and that I’d be an idiot not to, with my newfound idea of becoming an expedition medic possibly being nothing but castles in the air given how unrealistic it is. She also mentioned that my mind might still be clouded after such a trip – not to mention that I’ve always worked towards achieving this one goal. As much as I tried to resist this perspective, it was true. I mean, yeah, sure, becoming an expedition medic is as unrealistic as becoming a neurosurgeon. I met both kinds of doctors along the way, and if they made it, I could too.
Then I called Momma Bear. Surprisingly, given that she always used to be the more pragmatic of the two, always focusing on ‘matters of consequence’, she told me to look at the bigger picture – and, most importantly, to see what I’d want for myself in ten years’ time. Again, I found myself repeating the same stuff, but, this time round, she had something else to say that made me reconsider everything. In my two years of practice and the seven years she’d known me, she observed that I could be happy doing whatever. Whether I’d become a surgeon or an emergency physician, a divemaster or an innkeeper. Whether I’d be happy working one hundred-hour weeks at the hospital or living life freely as a nomad travelling around the world. I could do whatever it is that I wanted and, most importantly, I could always change my mind.
The Alienation Warning and the Broken Loop
That cancer scare had really changed Momma Bear – I was so proud hearing her saying this…She also gave me one last piece of advice that I’ll forever keep in mind – one is easily alienated by everyday life, especially when working long hours.
Knowing how much of a workaholic I am and that I’d actually thrive in such working conditions, that could very well happen to me – as it had over my two years as an intern. Back then, I felt the need to break free from my routine and had the strength and courage to do it. Be that as it may, that’s not a guarantee that I’d be able to do so again – especially after investing more time and money in my career. I’d have to come up with a way to reassess and reevaluate my life and future prospects all throughout if I were to figure out what I truly wanted. It’d be a dangerous road, but the only road to take before I’d commit to one thing for the rest of my life.
I think that was what made me make up my mind. The way I saw it, I could have easily opted to go into surgery. Like that, I’d be giving my lifelong dream a shot and if I’d still be pining for emergency medicine, I’d be able to switch without being stuck with a bunch of regrets and ‘what if’s. That’d be the most sensible option – the most logical compromise. But there was one thing that seemed to trump this flawless line of reasoning – why wait? Life’s too short to play it safe. I wanted to start working towards my new goal right there and then.
Months and months of back and forth, doubts and insecurities, all vanished. Now it felt like the weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt right, like I had made the right decision. And, it also meant I’d stop dragging it out and finally finish writing about the same stuff ad nauseum.
PART II
Rebuilding the Temple
And life went on. For a month, I had managed to do everything I had set out to do. I was working as a doctor and a divemaster, and I was also dedicating time to myself, doing the same old things that used to bring me joy and new things I discovered over the previous year.
Of note, I started focusing again on something that I had been neglecting over the previous year – my health. Even though I’d walk and hike and trek, I still felt unhealthy. I hadn’t worked out in months and my smoking was at an all-time high. Coming back, I found myself craving to give my body some of the attention it needed. I started working out again, and then implemented yoga and biking into my new routine, with diving on the side. I didn’t quite cut back on my smoking but at least I started feeling the need to – which is usually what precedes an attempt at giving it up.