Q3 - JOURNAL ENTRIES

Journal entries from the second quarter of my first year in basic specialist emergency training:

• A staff member had just been run over by an ambulance. His head was splayed open, and there was literally nothing we could do. Everyone in the ED was distraught. Meanwhile, the ESI 5 patient – the lowest-acuity category – who had been walking up to us for hours complaining that we still hadn’t addressed her four-month history of knee pain, thought we should just get over it and do our job. 

• I was taking care of this sweet old lady. When I told her and her son that I needed to insert a cannula, he told me to just go for the jugular. Apparently, that’s what he does on dogs. 

• My patient collapsed on the floor and had a seizure. I immediately knelt down and helped place her in the recovery position. I could feel my trousers getting soaked – she had peed herself. Great, I thought. Then she came to and projectile vomited all over me. Just great. 

• I dialled the number written on the hospital roster to contact the radiologist on call. It was ringing. And ringing. And ringing. Then someone picked up. “CAN YOU STOP FRIGGIN’ CALLING ME AT 2AM? I’M NOT THE RADIOLOGIST! I’M NOT GOING TO VET YOUR CT! AND I’VE FRIGGIN’ HAD IT WITH YOU IDIOTS CALLING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGIN’ NIGHT!” Turns out, the clerks had replaced one digit by mistake, and everyone had been calling a random lawyer. 

• One of my one-night stands showed up at the hospital and rushed up to me. He’d been backed up for a few days and was in severe pain. I gave him a couple of suppositories, and he managed to open his bowels. After recounting the entire process of his massive evacuation, he asked me out. 

• A man came in with chest pain. Before I could ask anything, he handed me a folder containing his medications, allergies, past medical history, ECGs, blood results, discharge letters and a neatly typed timeline of his symptoms. I considered proposing. 

• A patient told me she felt nauseous so I handed her a bowl. She missed the bowl. She didn’t miss my shoes. 

• A colleague of mine got haemorrhoids from pulling too hard while trying to reduce a fractured wrist. Risks of the job. 

• A patient came in with a hairspray can in his butt. That’s it. No use adding more detail to this one. 

• Another patient came in with a vibrator stuck up his butt. When it was finally his turn, he was visibly annoyed as he had been vibrating in the waiting area for the previous few hours. According to the surgeon who operated on him, it was still going strong. Good batteries!