BST 1 – Checking In
BST 1 - CHECKING IN
Coming back from my gap year, I swore to myself that I’d never allow myself to fall back into the rut I had dug myself into before my trip.
After a year spent travelling the world, I knew coming back to a normal life would be difficult – impossibly so. How could I go from chilling in a hammock by the Caribbean and trekking through the frozen Patagonian wilderness to working my ass off in a run-down hospital whilst trying to keep it all together? That was my biggest fear. To give up the freedom I had finally managed to attain after so long for a mundane, pedestrian kind of life in which I’d feel trapped.
As paradoxical as this might sound, that year prepared me for the life I was scared to live. Somehow, along the way, I learnt that freedom is a state of mind – regardless of where I might be. That the freedom I experienced while walking barefoot on a beach in complete solitude back in Panama would be something I could feel back in the emergency department as I’d deal with all the chaos and commotion.
That said, I was very well aware of how easy it is to get lost again. How, then, could I feel as free as I did while exploring the open world if I was stuck on a tiny island I had previously compared to a prison?
Fear of the Past
Well, some things were now so embedded within me that I simply couldn’t get rid of them. Over that year, I had tried my hand at so many different things that I couldn’t just give them up.
Yoga and diving, for example – two things that had become staples in my life. Then there were the things I had been too scared to try while I was on holiday far away from the safety of my own country – like cycling and climbing. And, there would also be thing I hadn’t gotten around to trying just yet – like skiing and kitesurfing. There was still so much left for me to try my hands at and I couldn’t wait to start doing just that.
Be that as it may, there was still a fear that loomed in the back of my mind. That once I started working, I’d fall back into the same routine and these things would drop off one by one. Some would be completely out of my control – like being unable to go cycling or diving because of the weather. Some would be completely within my control – like staying at home to watch TV or taking an extra shift at work instead of making the most of my free time.
Thinking about all of it, I’d get stressed and start freaking out. I simply couldn’t afford to go back to the “all work, no play” life. There was just so much to do and so little time to do it all.
Balance and Forgiveness
I guess it was exactly the freedom I had found during my gap year, along with the practice of yoga, that helped me come to terms with it.
I was free to do whatever the hell I wanted – and if I didn’t feel like doing something I had sworn to myself I’d do, then that would be one hundred percent okay too. I learnt how to forgive myself and let go of all the absurd expectations I had of myself. Of course, that didn’t mean I’d let myself off the hook. I still wanted to do as much as possible – it’s just that I wasn’t willing to destroy myself in order to do it.
As always, it comes down to balance – a compromise between doing too much and doing too little. I started to set some attainable goals that I’d work on slowly but steadily. I wouldn’t have to go at it like my life depended on it, as I previously would have. I could take my time, enjoy the process and work at my own pace without fear of judgement or falling behind.
And, if at any time I wanted to drop that goal, I could very well do that. I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone. If I wanted to quit medicine and become a yoga master by the end of the year, I was damn well gonna try. If I wanted to give up yoga to become a diving instructor, I could damn well do that too. And if I changed my mind and found something more stimulating along the way, then screw yoga and diving. I didn’t have to do anything.
The Life Audit
That said, I know me. I knew I’d end up using that as an excuse to just lie in bed all day or take up extra shifts so I could still say I’m productive. I knew that. It’s what I’d done all my life in an effort to stay in my comfort zone.
And so, I came up with a different strategy. Every few months, I’d have a day dedicated to re-evaluating my life – to ask myself the important questions:
- Am I happy right now?
- What brings me joy?
- What am I neglecting?
- What’s holding me back?
- Am I in need of change?
I think so? I’m working harder than ever – mostly to make up for my upcoming trip. I guess it’s not that I’m back to being a workaholic again – but it does feel like quite the slippery slope, so I have to be careful.
I love my job. I seriously love it. I go in excited for another day of work, meet up with colleagues I’ve grown to love over the years, and, despite how gruelling and exhausting the shift might be, I leave the hospital with a smile on my face – plus or minus goosebumps – on most days. I love it so much it’s actually scary. I’m scared that I’ll end up back in the same routine where my life revolves around my job.
I’m also getting to do most of the stuff I love doing. While I’m not as free and happy as I used to be when I was travelling full-time, I feel like I’m making the most of what life has to offer while I have to work. The sense of joy and fulfillment is not the loud and in-your-face kind I had gotten used to on the road – it’s more like a constant, low buzz. So I guess, yeah, I am happy.
Well, if I exclude my work, there’s a few more things:
- Sports: Cycling, diving, hiking and yoga have become the things that ground me. Apart from serving as good workouts, these activities have led me to explore way more of Malta than I previously used to. And there’s also my good old workout routine at the gym that keeps me sane on days I feel like I might go crazy.
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- Reading: I’ve managed to keep up the 20-minute reading time every day, which certainly does help to keep the momentum going. From novels and fiction to biographies and books about science, history and whatever else I feel like I reading, I’ve continued to expand my knowledge and keep my curiosity alive!
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- Writing: Working on my blog is great – mostly cause I keep reliving the amazing memories I made throughout the previous year. That said, I sometimes get this feeling that I’d rather be writing about something new. I want to be moving forwards, not be stuck in the past. My problem is that the present – as fulfilling as it is – doesn’t make for great writing. It’d go something like this: “Dear diary, today I went to work, then I did some yoga, went for a workout at the gym and hung out with a friend of mine.”
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- Travelling: While emergency medicine might be exhausting, it also allows me to travel as much as I want to. In fact, in the span of a few months I’d already been to Egypt, France and Austria. With my shifts being somewhat easy to swap, I can manage even more trips and thus keep my wanderlust at bay!
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- Malta: The idea that my country is a tiny prison with limited potential and opportunities has slowly faded away as I found myself exploring every single corner of the country. From exploring the underwater side of Malta while diving to revisiting some of the cultural sites , I’ve come to see Malta under a completely different light. I still hate everything that has to do with Malta’s politics, but finally, I can call myself a patriot – I’m proud of being Maltese!
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Over the year, there were some other things that had become somewhat of a habit and others that had by now all but disappeared:
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- Wandering aimlessly: I’m talking about roaming the streets completely on my own. The only walking I’m doing right now is from my doorstep to my car and then from my car to wherever else it is I’m going – that’s it. I’m no longer walking for the sake of it or to explore somewhere.
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- Sunsets: Another thing I really miss but don’t get to do as often right now. Back when I was in the Caribbean, I had sworn to myself that I wouldn’t take them for granted anymore. I even put them down as a weekly goal. Now? Now I don’t even remember the last sunset I watched. I’m usually working, at home or doing some kind of sport when the sun is setting. I should really make it a point to watch one at least once a month. I used to take those moments as an opportunity to let all the gratitude soak in – and I am still aware of how grateful I should be for the life I’m currently leading.
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- Stargazing: Speaking of the sky… Man, do I miss stargazing. I miss looking at the sky, pretending to know what I’m looking at, before I give up and use my astronomy app to confirm my ignorance. I miss it.
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- New experiences: Even though I’ve done many new things over the past few months, there’s still plenty of new things I’m simply itching to try my hands at. Most of these are summer activities, to be completely fair. Once the weather turns, I want to try my hand at some water sports. Hmm… kayaking, surfing, paddleboarding, windsurfing… The sea will be my home once again once hypothermia isn’t a real threat. Then there are the things I can’t quite do over here – say skiing or snowboarding. I want to increase my repertoire of skills!
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Once again, it boils down to things that are within my control and those that aren’t.
- Weather: Perhaps a bit of an excuse but let’s just say Maltese winters aren’t exactly the best when it comes to productivity. With the dreary rain setting in, outdoor sports are not quite as enticing as being curled up in bed with a good book!
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- Work: Whilst I should be working 40-hour weeks, it’s also true that I have to dedicate some time to resting. Add to that the few extra shifts I’d pick up and the extracurricular academic stuff I have to get done, and it doesn’t leave me with that much time for myself.
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- Fatigue: Let’s just say that emergency medicine drains me of both my mental and physical strength. On my few off days, I snooze my alarm some seventy times and, before I know it, it’s too late to actually do something with my day.
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As happy as I am, I think I am. If I keep going like this, I’ll end up in the same work-centred, stultifying routine I’d want to get out of every single day. I worked so hard to get to a place where I’m happy living my everyday life, and I don’t want to give that up.
I have to make an effort to act on the things I want to do, and then an even bigger effort to maintain them and keep at it.