I.II.I – Anticipation
I.II.I
ANTICIPATION
My path to getting into medicine? Oof. It was just like a game of Pac-Man. Only the maze was more convoluted, the dots I had to eat were books and Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde were my assignments, exams, anxiety and a feeling of impending doom.
In order to get into medicine, I’d need to sit for biology and chemistry A levels and a random intermediate level exam. Whilst I chose English as my intermediate subject (given that I had already aced my English A level), I had never studied biology and chemistry before then – they were both terra incognita to me. My aunt seemed to think I’d never make it – you know, since her doctor friend’s son couldn’t get into medicine himself. Thanks for the vote of confidence aunt Jo- heh, there, I almost did it again!
I had to catch up. Big time. But I did have something on my side this time. First of all, I was studying at my own pace, without actually having to go to school. Second, most of the things I had to learn I wanted to learn. Still, passion and curiosity weren’t really enough. I tried to cram two years’ worth of knowledge into one, so it wasn’t all that unexpected when I flunked my chemistry exam. I did brilliantly in biology, but my chemistry exam was more akin to a creative writing session.
Back then I had never failed an exam. Even so, it wasn’t that difficult for me to accept. I thought I’d be able to pull off a miracle, but alas, I didn’t. And that was okay. Plus, I got to have another year where I could do whatever the hell I wanted and hang out with my friends as much as possible. That’s the dream no? To some extent, yes. My friendships flourished that year. I still look back at that time with much fondness. But most often, all it felt like was a giant waste of time. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted it as soon as possible.
And I was scared. I was scared that my passion would die out before I’d even get in. I was scared of failing yet again. What would I have done if that had happened? Would I have had to repeat again? Would I have had to choose a different area of studies? Oh god, and then what? I had chosen medicine because I wanted to become a surgeon. Did that mean I would have to give up on that goal? And how the hell would I face my family, my friends? “Hey guys! Remember all that crap I was telling you about finally finding my one true passion and upending all my life for it? HAHA! PSYCHE!”… “Hey dad! Remember all that money you dished out for my tuition? POOF!” Oh, and I guess my aunt would have been right after all, huh?
No one ever heard me utter any one of these insecurities. I just ploughed on, hoping for the best but expecting the worst. But even then, I remember thinking to myself that this would only be the first step. Things would only get so much harder from there onwards and I’d need to get off my ass and work way harder if I really wanted to become a surgeon. This only became more real when a friend of mine who was in medicine invited me to join her for a lecture.
Being the dork that I am, I was completely ecstatic at the prospect. She took me around the faculty, and I got to see a couple of severed heads used for learning purposes, some preserved foetuses that had been miscarried due to congenital malformations and some limbs here and there. I was in heaven. In fact, I’m pretty sure there was an entire choir of angels harmonising in the background as my eyes welled up.
Then we went in for the lecture. Like the huge nerd that I am, I took notes. I might have been the only one who was scribbling away. I think I had goosebumps all afternoon. That day I felt like I belonged. Like this was my place to be. Like I could totally make it. But I would also need to work much harder, cause then I knew what I stood to lose. It felt like my entire life depended on those upcoming exams. And honestly? It kinda did.
And so I bucked up and studied my ass off. Exams came and went. I could feel their ice-cold breath behind my ears as they whispered “You’ve failed… You’re not good enough… Yang’s ashamed of you!”. I tried to brush the voices aside, which was quite easy as I was kept busy at the grocery store I worked in; wondering whether it would be just a summer job or a career.
Fast forward by a couple of weeks when I was lying in bed watching TV when my phone buzzed. “It’s probably another ad” I thought to myself as I looked at the notification that had just popped up. Boy was I wrong. My heart stopped beating and I think I stopped existing for… how long was it? 33 years and 42 days, I think. Yes, that’s exactly it. My thumb suddenly weighed twice as much as the sun. I couldn’t move it.
“It’s okay. I can always be an innkeeper like Lorelai. I’d love that, honestly. I’d start off as a room attendant and do all those little chores I actually consider fun. Making the bed, putting a mint under the pillow, tidying up. You know, the usual. Not to mention that I could sift through my guests’ belongings. My god, I’d love that so much. Then I’d slowly work my way up to the top until I could afford my own inn. It’d be on a clearing right by a forest, quite small but so very charming. My staff and I are would become this one big family and that’d enough for me. And did I mention we’d be occasionally be visited by deer and have daily hummingbird feeding sessions?”
I closed my eyes smiling, unlocked my phone and started reading. “Biology – Pass… English – Pass… Chemistry…”. Let’s try this again. “Biology – Pass… English – Pass… Chemistry?”. The last result was on a separate line, so I had to scroll down in order to see it. Which of course made it so much easier for me to start from the top once again. That one line. That was the only thing standing in the way of all my dreams and aspirations. One friggin line. “Biology – Pass… English – Pass… Chemistry – Pass”…
“I’m… I’m going to save lives…” I stammered. Never in those two years had it even occurred to me that I’d be doing this to save lives. I couldn’t have given a crap before then, honestly. I wanted to become a surgeon just because it’s so damn hardcore. You get to cut people open, chop up their insides and then put everything back together. And I had such a thirst for knowledge that no other field seemed to satisfy at that time. But there and then it was suddenly all about saving lives? “What the hell is happening to me? When did I turn all soft and mushy?”. I stopped being a human and turned into Arethusa; a human-fountain hybrid. I was bawling so hard. The definition of ugly crying.
Then I stood up and went in front of the mirror. I nodded to myself “You’re going to save lives. YOU! Yes, you… You are going to save lives!” I wiped my tears in vain and went up to my dad. He was in it as much as I was. He had been there for me since day one. His was the only reaction I genuinely wanted to see. “Dad… I passed!” I didn’t really have enough time to witness pride in his eyes. I didn’t really have enough time to thank him for everything he had done for me. He bolted right out of the house to tell everybody he knew that his son was going to be a doctor.
And then it hit me. I would be saving people’s lives, but not his. He had just been diagnosed with late-stage parotid cancer. There was nothing that could be done. I would be saving other people’s lives, but never his…