The Almost-Love
THE ALMOST-LOVE
As someone who has always felt complete and happy on his own, I found myself feeling as if I were missing something. Perhaps it was the fact that I finally had stability and a good work-life balance going on, and I could allow myself the opportunity to introduce something new.
In part, I think it was also something else that drove this craving – something I didn’t quite want to admit. I think I wanted to experience the life of a normal person. Day in, day out, I’d hear about everyone falling in love and wanting to settle down with someone. While living a solitary life and doing whatever the hell I want was always something that appealed to me, there’d be times where I’d feel as if I could potentially share all the great things I experienced with someone else – which could potentially turn them into even better experiences.
First Attempt
Enter Ian – a Maltese ex-emergency nurse whom I had encountered during my time there as an junior doctor. A tattooed, twunky Adonis on whom I had always had a crush. He had left the department while I was away on my gap year because of a nasty break-up with his boyfriend-slash-colleague, and was now working in iGaming.
I can honestly say he was one of the most interesting people I had ever met. We’d spend hours talking about crazy emergency stories and about how he felt leaving the job; how, although it had been his one true passion, he had to prioritise his personal life and mental health – something I could relate to very much, given my choice to walk away from surgery. We’d also go on endlessly about philosophy and spirituality, the latter something I had started giving more importance to over the previous few years. We also shared a deep interest in our country’s nature. Whilst I had only recently started to appreciate Malta for all it has to offer, he had been at it since his youth. In fact, most of our dates took place on either a kayak or a paddleboard as we explored more of Malta together.
We spent a few weeks “dating”. It was really nice, but it was also so very platonic. Every date felt like a casual hangout, devoid of any kissing, touching or romantic connection. I didn’t really have feelings for him, but in a way, after weeks of meeting up, we had still built something. That something is what most would probably have described as friendship – but I already had plenty of friends, and I wasn’t really interested in making more at that point. Be that as it may, when I brought up the subject and we parted ways, it still hit me hard.
There I was, finally having opened myself up to something more, having found someone I could consider the perfect match, and that was how it turned out. We had a lot of shared interests. He understood exactly what I did for a living. The conversation was always smooth-flowing. He always kept up. And he was so good to look at. Moving on from him, despite there being no actual romantic feelings, was hard for the simple reason that I knew it would be nearly impossible to find someone like him.
Second Attempt
I went back on a dating spree aimed mostly at one-night stands and hedonistic fun in order to get over Ian. That’s when I felt like I was really missing something. Like “just sex” didn’t cut it anymore.
In a way, Ian had left me with an understanding I hadn’t quite expected – that maybe, for once, I wasn’t looking for just sex or adventure, but for a connection that was both deep and passionate. That’s when I met Nick – this beefy, muscled Russian hunk who gave the maximum golden retriever vibes possible. He just screamed good boy – which is not what I’d usually go for. But given his love for mountains, the great outdoors and sports in general, we got along right from the very start.
Whilst Ian seemed like the ideal person to spend time with, even if the spark wasn’t there, with Nick I felt an instant, undeniable connection that transcended anything I had known before. And, to top it all off, it was anything but platonic. We got along on every single level – emotional, intellectual, sexual, physical. Right from our very first date, I could imagine myself falling for him. And right when I started to think I was crazy, he said the same thing himself. It was so, so magical. How that one kiss changed everything for both of us. How we went from “Hmm… I think I like this guy” to “You know, I think I’m already in love”.
I never thought I could feel that way ever again. After Pedro, Alex and Marco, it felt as if I had closed myself off, with the last nail in the coffin having been hammered in by none other than Boris – a two-week fling that had left me with the most bitter taste. It had been a string of failed mini-relationships with amazing people I had never imagined spending the rest of my life with. But then came Nick.
The Future I Never Wanted
Things between us were unnaturally perfect. It was almost too good to be true. For the first time in my life, I could picture a beautiful future shared with someone.
I had all these plans… To introduce him to my friends. To travel and explore the world together. To build a future together. But, as it turned out, Nick had plans too. He wanted the same things, but he also wanted something else: to build a family. He wanted kids and he wanted them as soon as possible.
You see, I don’t hate kids. In fact, I have the greatest respect for them. Hell, I would be the coolest uncle in the friggin’ world. But having my own? Uh-uh. No way. No friggin’ way. I had always wanted to live my life for me. I could maybe, potentially share my life with someone at some point – but kids? Nu-uh. You know what kids do? They take over your entire life. And for the time being, my life was my own. I’d always been a tad too egoistic when it came to that – I prioritised my wants and needs above anyone else’s – which is why I’d chosen to stay single for such a long time.
That said, I was aware that that is how I felt at that moment. I know how much people change. I know how much I had changed over the previous year. Maybe I’d even consider having kids one day. After all, I’d probably need someone to take care of me when I’m old, senile and smelly, but that would be way, way in the future.
Despite my anti-fatherhood stance, every time we met, the idea of a happily ever after with him and our eleven kids started to sound nice. The idea that having kids would mean that my life would be over slowly started to change. In fact, I immediately thought back to that family I had met while climbing Acatenango way back in Guatemala. It was this family of four from France – the parents and their two kids, eight and ten years old – who had taken a year off from work and school to travel all the way from Canada to South America in their RV.
Now that’s a family I’d want to be a part of. And with Nick, suddenly, I could envision that for myself. For us.
The Crash
For the first time in my life, I felt as if I were completely in it. That being with someone didn’t feel like a sacrifice. That sharing my time with him was a privilege. That compromises I’d never even think about making would feel like natural steps to take with him.
I never knew I could ever feel this way about anybody. And, as it soon turned out, neither did he. In fact, he felt such strong feelings for me that he was scared we were moving too fast – something he didn’t want for himself, given that he was still picking up the pieces from his previous relationship. He said he needed time to think when things got serious, and that’s how it all turned to ashes. It felt like a cruel twist. Just as I had opened myself fully to the idea of us, he needed to take a step back.
I choose to believe that it was not an excuse. That even though I was his rebound, the thing we had – fleeting though it might have been – was real. And that’s what destroyed me- that for one brief moment, he made a life I never thought I wanted feel possible – and then took that possibility with him when he stepped back.