Utila – Week 7, Day 7: From Ward to World
UTILA
Week 7
Day 7: From Ward to World
December 31, 2022
PART I
Last day of 2022… I’m not really one of those people who gets emotional just because the earth has revolved around the sun one more time. I’m usually not. But this particular year?
Man, this year was different. I look back on all the incredible things I did – incredible things I never thought I’d be able to do – and I sit here wondering how the hell I can ever choose a few highlights to sum up that entire year. And so, in an effort to mention all the relevant moments, I think it’s best if I go about it chronologically…
FY2 Q2 - Neurosurgery
I started the year working on the neurosurgical unit halfway through my second year of the Foundation Programme (FY2). Neurosurgery had been my passion for years. I aspired to become an extraordinary neurosurgeon, my passion burning brighter than ever.
That said, the working conditions on the ward were inhumane at best. I’d wake up at 5AM every single day, unfailingly, in an effort to round on all the patients before the ward round would start, at which point my list of tasks would seem unending. Not to mention other duties – outpatients, preops, surgeries, anything and everything. Of course, it wasn’t all resting on my shoulders. I had an amazing colleague who stuck with me through thick and thin and made sure the workload was distributed evenly. Man, was I lucky to be working with such a hard-working doc!
Then there was my senior – one of the (many) love(s) of my life whom I had dubbed Wonder Woman. Having been the only mid-level senior working in the department for an entire year, she was literally forced to learn most surgical procedures in her first year. By the end, she was so exceptional the entire department practically depended on her, with consultants relying on her skills and dedication more often than not. I worked with three brilliant neurosurgeons – but, in all fairness, it was Wonder Woman herself who taught me and, in a way, raised me. I love her to bits and I count myself lucky to have had her as my mentor and, by the end, a friend. I even helped her organise her Mexico trip after my visit!
FY2 Q3 - Geriatric Medicine
Then it was time for us to switch specialties. After working in neurosurgery for three months, I’d be moving on to geriatrics. I had mixed feelings about this.
For starters, I hated the specialty. I’d be trading in the one I loved for one I dreaded. On the other hand, I can’t say I wasn’t relieved knowing my workload would decrease substantially. And, to top it off, I’d be working with one of my closest friends, and a senior doctor I’d met during my second year as a med student. I had really fond memories of her – memories she had completely forgotten – but, along the years, we’d worked together and got on really well. So, by the end, I welcomed the rotation.
As fate would have it, I had to start two weeks later given that I was, once again, COVID positive, giving my friend a chance to tell me all about our new firm. We’d be working with one of the most beloved doctors – the best consultant one could ever ask for, and Dr X, whom I can’t quite describe (mostly cause of the non-disclosure agreement). But let’s just say, those three months were probably the best in all my Foundation Programme.
I still remember crossing the hospital grounds with a coffee and a cigarette in hand while laughing our asses off together! How cool is that, huh? Unprofessional? Maybe. Fun? Hell yeah! We’d round on the patients (Hi Doris!) and then go over all the drama going around the place – who’s sleeping with who, marital affairs, domestic disputes, all the hot gossip going around the hospital. We became so close we started going out almost weekly and, by the end, we were family – so much so that our consultant would call me his son. I still remember crying my eyes out on my way home after our last day together. They even came to see me off at the airport!
During this rotation, I also started branching out a bit. First, I started publishing some of my writing. Getting paid to do what I love (much like medicine) is an incredible feeling! Oh, and football. One random day, out of the blue, one of the neurologists I worked with in my first year as a doctor sent me a text asking if I wanted to join the national U17 football team in Macedonia as their doctor. Football wasn’t something I was particularly into, and I wasn’t fully qualified yet.
After much discussion, I decided to go for it and, by the end, it was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. It made me appreciate sports in a way I never thought I could and I was using my skills for something different – all the while getting an all-expenses-paid holiday! After this, I even went on to assist at a couple more matches – something I really came to enjoy.
FY2 Q4 - Emergency Medicine
Then came my rotation in the Emergency Department – one I’d been especially excited about, given how much I loved the adrenaline rush of medicine.
From the very first day, I fell in love with the specialty and, for the first time, I started to doubt whether I should go on with my surgical quest or switch to this new one. Thing is, in the ED, you get to see a huge variety of cases, but the second it gets interesting, you hand them away to the corresponding department. And that’s not something I think I could get over – resuscitating a neurotrauma only for the surgeons to wheel the patient away into theatre while they do the really cool stuff. That said, having my seniors telling me I was cut out for this job made it all the more a valid option. For the first time ever since I had gotten into medicine, they made me question my career path.
In the meantime, I wasn’t just playing doctor. While my shifts kept me so busy I barely had any time for myself, I decided to add yet another Herculean task to my list and started studying for the MRCS Part B exam – something usually taken by doctors at least two years my senior. So there I was, working and studying, with no time for anything else, in order to prove to myself I could surpass my peers. It took hours of studying and some €2000, and finally, I was in London (my first time – which, as a Maltese person, is quite frankly absurd). I went over everything and tied up loose ends while stuck alone in my hotel room, trying not to freak out at the fact that I was way in over my head and could never pass the exam.
In hindsight, I was right – I was way in over my head. I failed. But I failed by just two points. So, I look back on this experience differently: I now knew how to pass the exam and I got to roam around a gorgeous city I fell in love with. I still remember tearing up at the Globe Theatre and bawling my eyes out during The Lion King and The Book of Mormon. I have no idea how theatre wasn’t something I was into before this!
Life Outside of the Hospital
Being so busy with work, projects and exams didn’t quite allow me to make much use of my personal time. At that point, there were several things in my life I started to neglect.
First off – my friends. Of course, by this point, my closest friends were the cliché type you can meet once a year and it still feels like nothing’s changed. As true as that might be, I’d still find myself missing them and feeling like I was letting everyone else down! Then there was my health. Halfway through my neurosurgery rotation, I started smoking again and, by the end, I almost gave up working out – something I had been doing consistently for years on end. Third? Adventure. It was just work, work and more work – and we all know what that makes of Jack! At the same time, I didn’t mind this much. I loved my job, and, most of all, I knew I’d have an entire year ahead full of adventures.
In fact, after the exam was over, I quickly found a way to busy myself. After a long day (or night) at the ED, I’d rush home and immediately start working on my itinerary for Central America. This was something I’d been meaning to do for years, and, with the end of FY2 in sight, this was the best possible opportunity. Only back then, it felt like the opposite of what I wanted. I was so happy and comfortable at work that I didn’t want anything to disrupt that. But I knew it had to be done – it was either now or never.
And so, with one last, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, devastating goodbye, I left behind my beloved job, colleagues and friends – chasing an adventure of a lifetime. The following five months? Let’s just say they were a whirlwind of crazy. Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras… With more to come, I didn’t wanna focus on what I had seen and done thus far. Plus, knowing how mushy and sentimental I can get, I knew I’d be doing that pretty soon at the end of the trip.
One thing’s for sure though: after looking back on the previous year as one of the best in my life – probably the best, all things considered – I did end up bawling my eyes out. The people I’d met along the way, the places I’d seen, the adventures I’d experienced. Going over everything that happened over 2022, I couldn’t help but almost break down in tears. So many wins, so many losses. But, at the end of the day (or year), it helped me grow and learn more – about myself, about other people, about the world. And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.
PART II
One Last One
After spending some time reflecting on the year’s events, I finally had to get off my ass to get ready for my last two dives in Utila – the very idea of diving here one last time being heart-wrenching to say the least.
That said, I couldn’t have asked for a better couple of last dives, given I’d have Amelia and Dr Marius joining. We went to Airport Caves and then to the Light house for the second dive, and both dive sites lived up to their promise. Here, I spotted a sand tilefish, a slippery dick (I promise that’s what it’s called), and a sailfin blenny – the first in my books! Not to mention all the other fish I’d been seeing all along during my stay in Utila – fish that had become as familiar as friends. Like the cute sharp-nose puffers that hover around in group, the rainbow parrotfish as they munch on coral, or the glorious spotted eagle rays as they glide around effortlessly. Man was I going to miss Utila’s seascape!
It’s funny how I had become addicted to diving and adept at fish identification in such a short time. Often times I’d find myself joking around saying that if my career in medicine wouldn’t quite pan out, I’d take up marine biology and become a diving instructor – now that would be the life!
As much as I’d miss diving in Utila, I knew I had plenty more in store for me – especially with Costa Rica and Panama coming up – not to mention the Malta and the rest of the world. Diving without Amelia and Dr Marius was gonna be hard to get used to though!
Dockside Reflections & Tamales
Back at Underwater Vision, we were all riled up for the night’s festivities. We planned to hang out at the dive shop until the New Year’s countdown and, after that, head to Bando Beach for yet another rave – something I wasn’t particularly excited about given how lame the previous one had been.
We started off with some day drinking on the dock, with Levi proposing a round of “Mention something that has changed your life this year.” Amelia, of course, had her mother’s relapse to share, along with quitting her job and leaving Austria to come here and become a divemaster. I mentioned working at the neurosurgical department – something I had been looking forward to ever since I started studying medicine, and something which made me fall in love with the specialty even more. Then I talked about how hard it was to quit my job and leave everything behind to go on this trip.
Levi, on the other hand, told us he was in a pretty bad car accident a few months before, and what struck him the most from the entire experience – apart from his severe concussion – was the fact that he smiled through it all, even when he thought his life was over. This, he told us with conviction, confirmed his philosophy – to do everything with a smile (including dying). Man, I love this dude!
Tears and Fire
Having bought about twenty tamales to share with us all, Levi handed us a couple each. After we ate to our hearts’ content, we headed to the terrace where everyone was beginning to gather.
Here, next to the volleyball court, was a fire dancer who had us all in awe as he swung a pair of flaming balls masterfully. I was just thinking about the third-degree burns I’d sustain if I ever tried something like that when Noah, out of the blue, popped up on the court and joined the performance. I can honestly say he was better than the one who ran the show. We were left with our jaws on the floor. I had seen him perform with light balls at Bando Beach the previous week, but this was something I never expected. I was truly and genuinely impressed by him.
Another honourable mention goes to Adah, who stole the show as Underwater Vision’s best DJ once the festivities started. Whilst I’m not usually into Afrobeat music, the way she played made me fall in love with it and dance as hard as I possibly could. And the way she danced to her own music? Pure passion. She was on fire and got the entire crowd roused up for the big night!
Porch Confessions
After enjoying her set, I made my way to the office porch and sat down on the swing, which, by then, had become one of my favourite hangouts. Here, it seemed that everyone felt free to be vulnerable and bare their hearts out whilst downing a Salva or two.
First up was Clive, who told me all about his drug abuse and recent divorce, how it’s a constant struggle, how drugs have changed him and ruined aspects of his life (like the excruciating gum pain he suffers daily), and how Jodie, whom he’d been dating for a couple of months, was his silver lining – the one who could help him control himself. In fact, they decided to continue their trip together to Mexico, with him hoping to start fresh.
Then it was Catherine’s turn. She told me about her chronic shoulder pain from a military accident she had sustained a few years back. Her orthopaedic surgeon told her she definitely meets the criteria for a shoulder replacement, but since she’s from the States, it’d only be covered once she’s forty – meaning she has to suffer for six more years. As if that weren’t enough, she also suffers from endometriosis, and, having always been against the idea of kids, she would totally go for an elective hysterectomy – something that would do wonders for her pain. Until she can get medical coverage or afford such surgeries, she’ll have to live with chronic, sometimes disabling pain. I, as a doctor, felt utterly helpless.
Then came Rodrigo, who, for once, was offering me help. He had heard about my immigration issue and, with his uncle serendipitously being the Head of Immigration, he said he’d do his best to help with my visa extension and border crossing. I was immensely grateful and almost started crying at his offer, given how anxious I’d been since finding out I might get into a legal mess.
Cheers to a New Year!
A few minutes before midnight, everyone made their way back to the terrace. Then, the yearly usual: the final countdown, people cheering, hugging, kissing, celebrating, fireworks.
I have to admit I missed my friends back home. Usually, we’d rent an apartment and spend the night together. This time, I was far, far away whilst they had their fun without me seven hours earlier. Instead, I found myself on a beach, with people I’d only known for two months. People who, by this time, had also become family. I missed my friends back home but I was in excellent company nonetheless. Utila felt like home and these were my people.
I embraced Amelia tightly – my one and only dive buddy, my roommate, my damaged partner, my daughter (she calls me Daddy in a sexy way, which is disturbing to everyone else). Then I turned to Dr Marius – the kindest, most humble, most knowledgeable one of us – and gave him the tightest hug possible.
We all did the rounds, congratulating each other for surviving another rotation around the sun. It had been an amazing year, and I was only eager to see what the new one would bring along.
PART III
On Another Planet
Pretty soon, everyone started heading to Bando Beach. Before joining them, we had a special surprise from someone who shall not be named. Having had my fair share of ‘experimenting‘ during my stay in Utila, I decided to go all out and try out something new – a capsule full of happy.
With Amelia being a typical mainland European, she was used to party drugs. I, on the other hand, had no idea what to expect. Already tipsy, we stumbled our way to the party, with Amelia already as high as a kite. Meanwhile, I was as straight as an arrow. It was right as we got to Bando Beach and I was ordering my first drink that it hit. A wave of literal ecstasy washed over me. I started feeling the music, every single techno beat pumping me up harder than the last. I was also starting to feel turned on. Hell, I’m sure I’ve never been that turned on in my entire life. I felt a confidence I’d never experienced before – and judging by the way everyone else seemed to be giving into to their primal urges, I’m pretty sure we weren’t the only ones indulging. It was pure heaven.
As I was busy feeling every beat and dancing passionately, Amelia was on another planet. Or at least that’s all she could verbalise apart from “This is so good!”. She seemed to be really in her zone, flapping her hands about in a way that might be misconstrued as dancing by someone just as high. All the while, she had a frown and, to top it off, scary crazy eyes pointing in different directions. I’d ask her over and over if she was okay and she’d just reply, “This is so good!”.
I wasn’t actively worried – I knew she was fine – but somehow I felt an instinctual need to take care of her. Whilst I was a bit bummed I couldn’t focus solely on my high, I was quickly let off the hook by Dr Marius – who had excused himself earlier to go stargazing. He asked me if she was okay and I replied that up until an hour before she’d rated herself a fourteen out of ten on the high scale, but by then she’d dropped to an eleven. Her next answer had us questioning the reliability of this scoring system, as she then declared a solid twelve.
Last One Standing
Knowing Amelia was safe in Dr Marius’s hands, I could finally let loose. Edgar, a guy I’d been flirting with on Tinder since the day before, happened to be right beside me.
It only took one look before we found ourselves on the beach, lying on the sand. Whilst anyone else would’ve just gone for it, I had to pause and take it all in. Right above us was the Milky Way in all its glory. I don’t know whether it was my stupefied mind or whether it was real, but I swear I’d never seen stars shine that bright. I was mesmerised. The Big Dipper pointing towards the North Star was the only thing I could identify before Edgar pulled me in for a kiss. It was the best feeling ever. It was, as Amelia had so aptly put it, so good! I felt infinite.
After we had our share of fun, I looked at my phone and realised it was suddenly 5AM. I have no idea how time flew that fast, but it did. I rushed back to the stage to find everyone from Underwater Vision, including Dr Marius and Amelia, had left. I knew she was in good hands and, with my high finally wearing off, I decided to enjoy the last few minutes of the party before heading home.
I still remember exactly how I felt. My skin all tingly and fresh, my mind finally calming down to give into this clarity and ease of being. Everything was just right with the world and there was no place for any negativity. Everything was just right…
Stay wild,
Marius
Post-Scriptum
Needless to say, my street rep took a step up that night. I went from being the Old Man who usually sits a night out of drinking out to going all out and being the last man standing. Having said that, I was still the badass Baby Jesus to some – meaning I just kept up my streak.