Utila – Week 6, Day 5: The Legend of Baby Jesus
UTILA
Week 6
Day 5: The Legend of Baby Jesus
December 22, 2022
PART I
I really thought I couldn’t possibly have a better day than I did at Sandy Caye. Turns out, this was either a tie or simply the best day of my life.
First up, I’d be starting the PADI Deep Diver specialty course with Rachel. Amelia and Corys would join us as fun divers, having done the course earlier. The dives were gonna be pretty straightforward. On the first one, we’d be going to CJ’s Drop Off and immediately descending to forty metres, at which point Rachel would show me a slate with colours drawn on it (to appreciate colour loss at depth) and a rubber duckie that would collapse under the pressure. That was it.
Those were the “skills” I had to do. Then she told me I’d probably get narc’d – which, for most, is a pleasant experience, like a natural high. For others, it can be unpleasant: dizziness or doing something dumb like pulling their reg out or taking off their scuba gear. Given all the crazy things that had happened to me over the previous few weeks, I wouldn’t have put it past me if something like that were to happen. Especially if I’d feel drunk or high. That said, I was more than ready for it (and I couldn’t wait to experience nitrogen narcosis!).
High on Nitrogen, Higher on Life
As soon as we got to the site, we did a negative descent and started going down to forty metres. By this point in time, the deepest I’d been to was 30 metres – I’d be setting a new PR in just a few seconds!
During this part, I kept checking my dive computer, not wanting to go below the set depth. At 34 metres, I could feel my heart beating faster. At 36? Holy hell. A rush of heat hit me – like an electric current coursing through my body. I felt light-headed, then euphoric. It was one of the best highs of my life – kinda like a mix between a stimulant and a depressant. But a million times better. Imagine being high while floating in midwater. I felt infinite.
While I was enjoying the high, Rachel was busy giggling (she gets narc’d pretty easily) and pulling stuff out of her BCD pockets. I couldn’t care less about the skills, but luckily, I wouldn’t have to do much. I looked at the slate and at the rubber chicken and just like that, the skill session was done and we could all just enjoy the dive.
When Rachel pointed at a fish, I genuinely felt like any distraction from my high was a waste of time. As we approached deco time (something I totally forgot about cause I was so narc’d), we started to ascend. I was more clear-headed by then, but still a little high. The site itself – apart from a huge coral wall that drops to about 120 metres (the deepest point in Utila) – was kinda underwhelming. The only fish around were sharpnose puffers, which I had very intense staring contests with at the time.
Diving while narc’d felt like the best thing ever. In fact, I was so deep in it, Rachel had to signal me four times to level off.
Dolphin Madness
Back on the boat, I couldn’t help but feel insanely lucky to have experienced that. And then it got even better. Captain Paul (who was replacing Hoover for a few days) noticed a dolphin swimming toward us.
This is the same guy Noah told us is practically blind. Apparently, he once missed a bright red DSMB and made divers swim all the way to the boat a few hundred metres away. But somehow, despite the alleged impairment, he spotted this lone fin gliding through the water. It took me ages to actually see it. But then one became two, then four, then ten! A massive pod of bottlenose dolphins surrounded the boat. It was surreal.
It took me back to our first week, chasing whale sharks – only dolphins were even more playful, leaping above the waves. While everyone was getting ready to snorkel with them, Amelia, Corys, and I sat it out.
Last time she’d gone snorkeling after a deep dive, she got DCS. Honestly, watching them jump was already more than I could hope for – no FOMO this time. Not to mention, I wasn’t the biggest fan. I’d say I had a love-hate relationship after Dr Marius had told me they use and abuse pufferfish to get high. Having said that, he had later given us a crash course in dolphinism and the one fact that stuck was that these incredible creatures exhibit unihemispheric sleep – meaning that only half their brain falls asleep at any given time, with the corresponding eye remaining open to allow constant vigilance. Cute or creepy?
Deep Dive Mayhem
Our second deep dive was at Spotted Bay. With this session’s skills being entertaining, Amelia and Corys decided to join in the fun.
This time, Rachel handed us two slates. One had twelve numbers – each inside a different shape, with each shape being linked to a motion (for example, touching your nose when you get to the traingle). The other had a maze we’d have to draw our way out of. We’d be doing the tasks on the boat, then again at forty metres to compare how narcosis affected us. I was really curious to see how I’d do!
After the lengthy surface interval, we found ourself underwater once again. This site sloped gently down, unlike the drop-off before. At around 34 metres, I could feel the narcosis coming on again. That’s when I saw this huge queen triggerfish. In wanting to expand my ever-growing collection of underwater footage – AKA my very own version of fish Pokédex – I simply had to chase it in order to get it on camera. Back on the surface, we laughed our asses off watching the shaky mess of a video I’d captured, despite the hell of a job I thought I was doing. To this day, I have no idea how I managed to take such a crappy video!
After the videographic fiasco, we reached a sand patch for the skill portion. I was so friggin’ narc’d I didn’t even realise Rachel wanted us to kneel. When I finally did, I sat right on a piece of coral – oops.
Then came the number game. I couldn’t, for the life of me, find number five. Amelia started laughing so hard that we all followed – masks fully flooded. Somehow we still managed to finish the maze. And then, mid-laugh, I bit off part of my regulator’s already-loose mouthpiece and swallowed it. I was cackling. Proper hearty laughter I hadn’t had in ages. Rachel gave me the most confused look, so I took out my reg to show her what happened. That’s when she lost it – thinking I was so narc’d I just yanked it out for no reason – effectively breaking her one and only rule.
Back on the boat, I explained and we all cracked up again. That’s how I’ll remember those two dives – fun, laughter, and pure joy. Oh, and pufferfish sex. That was cool too. It was my second time seeing live pufferfish porn, which had me wondering whether I exude puffer pheromones.
PART II
Costume Chaos
Later that day we’d finally be celebrating our divemaster graduation – something I wasn’t sure I’d even get to a few days earlier – after dropping a bunch of stuff, including my confidence. Even though I still felt a bit undeserving of being called a divemaster, I was still proud of this achievement and the excitement was finally kicking in for the ceremony.
For the first time since arriving at Underwater Vision, I squeezed in a two‑hour nap – and came out feeling refreshed and ready to party. We started day‑drinking and finished prepping our costumes. Amelia’s was easy enough: I sprayed her hair green (two cans would’ve helped), she threw on a green dress and beard, and that was it. We even wrote “The Grinch” on her forehead after some dudes pegged her as a Christmas tree.
Mine was a bit trickier – as anyone dressing up as Baby Jesus would expect. I had to size my halo (a golden paper plate), squeezed into my white laced dress (which was too tight and revealing), climbed into the crib (a cardboard box full of shredded paper rigged on strings I’d hang around my arms) and, most importantly, keep the dummy in my mouth (an anachronism, I know). The pièce de résistance? Allix’s idea to write a massive “BJ” on the crib – a cheeky double-entendre. I had never put so much effort into a costume. At one point I found myself wondering how on earth 3.8 billion years of evolution had led to this moment. It made zero sense!
That said, it quickly started to the second we paraded our costumes in front of everybody. My costume was a major hit – everyone getting a kick out of the actual costume and the “BJ” on the front.
Graduation Glory: One Hell of a Ceremony
With Amelia as the Grinch, Ava (and Noah) as Cindy Lou Who, Adah as a candle, Levi as a dreidel, Philippe as Rudolf, Corys as Mary Christmas, and me as Baby Jesus, our class of ’22 was ready.
By ceremony time we were all drunk, high, or both. And thank god – we were celebrating among people that had become family in a place that had become home, but I still felt a bit of stage‑fright stepping into the spotlight – especially with people from other dive schools watching. But to hell with everything – this was our friggin’ night. I couldn’t wait!
Darcy briefed us: we’d be introduced one by one, sit in a chair, and answer questions – get it wrong, take a shot; get it right, give it to someone else. And with that, we were ready to go. I walked in to roaring applause and chants of “BABY JESUS!” Feeling saucy, I lifted my box and bent over to flash my briefs – truly a terrible day to have eyes! Once seated, Darcy and Noah took turns to quiz us. My nerves quickly faded as I knew the answer to almost every question. They had taken them from the divemaster course exam – by this time, I had finished it at least a dozen times for other divemaster trainees (I hope PADI never gets wind of this…). I also had to down a couple of shots for blurting out answers out of turn, and made sure to reward Dr Marius and Catherine (my two favourite islanders apart from Amelia) with the shots I had earned. With every correct answer, I yelled “BABY JESUS!” and the crowd went wild, chanting like it was the World Cup all over.
For the second round, we had to play charades – we’d pick a paper with a name of a fish scribbled over it and then we’d have to act out an impression without using the hand signals we normally use underwater. For this, I teamed up with Adah. Immediately after getting her first paper, started grabbing her boobs. I was pissed drunk and all I could come up with were boob fish, chest fish and nurse shark. Turned out it was a grouper… Mine was easy enough. The second I read “flounder” on the paper I threw myself onto my back and popped my eyes out. Took her less than a second to get it, the crowd going wild yet again. Needless to say, this round was ours too.
Third task: put on and remove a weight belt in the sexiest way possible. Once again, I was the victor – partly for being Baby Jesus, and mostly cause of the slut drops and belt helicopters I dropped on them.
Then came the part we were all nervous about. The beer mask clearing challenge. An instructor would pour beer in our goggles and we’d have to clear it by inhaling it through our nose and then gulping it down. For the previous few days, I had been dreading this. I was certain I’d drown. But, luckily, I chose Catherine as my instructor, who -may god bless her soul – poured most of it over my head instead. Despite all the help I received, Adah was the woman of the match!
And with that, the ceremony was over. No words can describe how I felt at that moment. It took me right back to my first week in Utila. It had only been a few weeks but I felt like a completely different person to the guy that had arrived here. I was only meant to spend a week on the island – finish my PADI Advanced course and then move on with my trip. I looked upon the graduates and dismissed the idea that I’d ever be in their shoes – partly cause back then diving didn’t mean as much to me, mostly cause I never thought I could become a divemaster.
But there I was – against all odds, against all logic. Despite all my failures and short-comings, I had made it.
Beer, Blood and Brawls
Ceremony ended, the real celebration kicked off. Being so used to going to bed at nine, I found myself dozing off while everyone else was getting ready to go out. So, in our drunken stupor, Omar and I did a round of face-slapping which did wonders to wake us up.
Once everyone was ready, Tim brought us a graduation surprise in the form of a baggie. Over the past few weeks, Room 16 had somehow become the unofficial safe haven for anyone wanting to dabble in certain activities. I mostly behaved, knowing I can’t even control my smoking addiction, let alone other habits. But strangely enough, it felt warm and welcoming to host them. Being a special occasion, I decided to partake in the fun.
High as kites, we headed to Vinyl, where the party was already in full swing. As soon as we stepped in, the crowd erupted in cheers. At every step, someone I didn’t even know would yell, “BABY JESUS!” and hand me a drink. I felt like such a VIP! Who knew Jesus had this much power, huh? We danced the night away, drunk and high, loving life with a passion.
Before long, I was stumbling all over the place, making out with random girls and losing bits of my costume – until all I had left were my briefs and flip-flops. Such wild and crazy fun. Until tings took a turn at the bar, that is. While waiting for my (first and only) drink that I actually paid for, I accidentally elbowed a local guy’s beer off the counter. That sent him and his lunatic friend into a mad frenzy. They wouldn’t so much as hear me apologise, let alone offer a replacement.
By now, I was pretty much an expert when it comes to the three rules of Utila. But little do most people know – there’s actually an unwritten fourth rule: Don’t piss off the locals. Apparently, knocking over a beer does just that. As one of them stormed toward me with bloody murder in his eyes, Omar jumped in and tried to calm things down. Then another local joined in. Then Dr Marius. Then Amelia. Then another local. Before we knew it, the whole bar had gotten involved.
The chaos was the perfect distraction. Dr Marius, Omar, Amelia and I slipped out unnoticed like ninjas. It wasn’t so much cowardice as it was a “we’re way too drunk for this crap” situation. In hindsight, a solid call. I didn’t escape completely unscathed, though. In our escape, I jammed my foot between two wooden planks, lost one of my flip-flops and fell – again – on the same friggin’ knee that had taken nearly five weeks to heal (and which I had reopened back in the Bat Cave). We ended up at La Cueva and danced the rest of the night away.
So there I was: bleeding, limping, wearing nothing but briefs and a devilish grin, in total disbelief at how wild the night had become. Pure, unadulterated fun. And the best part? I’d sparked total chaos by dropping yet another thing. One hell of a graduation party, I gotta say.
Stay wild,
Marius
Post-Scriptum
Apparently, after we left Vinyl, things went completely off the rails. The fight escalated and violence spread like wildfire. The music was cut. Bartenders jumped in. Madeleine got slapped by a guy. Her sister tried to murder him. Geneva, an instructor from another dive shop, got punched. Another nearly got choked out. So yeah, you really can’t piss off the locals here.