II.I.VI – Blossoming
II.I.VI
BLOSSOMING
Over the coming days, Pedro and I started seeing more of each other. The more time we spent together, the closer we seemed to get. It was kinda addicting, not gonna lie.
Everything was completely new to me. We’d meet at his place and he’d cook for me. We’d drive off to the beach and gaze at the sunset. We’d go to the cinema and watch a movie or to a restaurants and have dinner. We’d hold hands, look into each other’s eyes and then move on to some 18+ stuff. We’d have long discussions about anything and everything – from the existence of god and politics to philosophy and science. Just normal couple stuff, you know – the cheesy and cloying behaviour I’d have previously mocked and shunned.
As time went by, I started to notice that something was happening to me. I’d be at school and suddenly I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything anymore. I’d be with my friends and suddenly I’d turn around to tell him something. I’d go back home after a long day and he’d be the one I’d want to see and talk to. You’d think it was a brain tumour pressing on my frontal lobe, but apparently, falling for someone can present with the same signs and symptoms.
I was completely infatuated by him. I’d spend hours just staring at him, studying him, trying to take in every single detail as I’d trace my fingers over his entire body, completely absorbed and immersed in him. His hair, his eyes, his nose, his lips, his body, his tattoos – all of him. I had no idea how I’d never appreciated the male physique before then. He was simply gorgeous. And he was all mine.
And that’s when it hit me. We were practically in a relationship. We had never had ‘the talk’, but for all intents and purposes, we found ourselves in one without wanting to. Me. Emotionally-stunted, commitmentophobe Marius. In a relationship. With a guy. A Latino who was nearly twice my age. But it didn’t seem to matter. I didn’t quite freak out. It felt right. We kept on meeting up and with every date our feelings grew stronger.
But, as always, there was a catch. He had come to Malta to study English for a couple of months – that’s it. Knowing he had to go back to Colombia in a few weeks’ time meant this could only be just a fling. He’d sort of subtly throw in the idea of me visiting him once he’d be gone, but we both knew that wasn’t gonna happen. With this goodbye looming over our heads, neither of us really wanted this to progress, though at the same time we did nothing to stop it.
“Dammit! I can’t let this happen! First of all, he’s leaving soon. Second, I still want to enjoy my life as a single, eligible bachelor. And third, if this becomes a real thing then I’d have to start telling all my friends about him, and that means I won’t be Marius to them anymore, I’ll be bisexual Marius – whatever that means”.
Now of course my closest friends already knew about me being bi from the very start. But even to them; the people I could tell anything, it wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be. You see, on the outside I seem to be the kind of person that loves attention. I’m super loud, I love to joke around and I’m quite the gregarious guy overall. And that attracts attention. But in reality? I hate to be in the spotlight. I even have stage fright for crying out loud. And when you reveal something so juicy about yourself you might as well just disrobe and call the paparazzi.
Coming out to my friends was… okay? Momma Bear was right next to me when I decided to experiment so she didn’t need much explaining. But the rest of them? I was kinda wrecked with anxiety so I did what I always do – I just blurted it out: “Uhm , you know, when I was in Manchester… I kinda fooled around with a guy and I didn’t quite mind it.” Of course, I was always very selective about the people closest to me. I was surrounded by genuinely good people. And their reactions lived up to my expectations. Some were surprised, some had already seen it coming – all of them super supportive.
That said, they did ask a lot of questions. I answered them as graciously as possible. God knew how many more I’d have to answer, and that was gonna be practice at the very least. I was expecting all kinds of different reactions from all kinds of people. Hell, a friend of mine almost got run over by a car when I told her. To be completely fair, the middle of the road wasn’t quite the right setting to break the news. And, it wasn’t really the fact that I was bi that shocked her. Turns out, I wasn’t the first person to come out after dating her. Nor was I the second (or third). So ha, there it is! I wasn’t born this way – she converted me! Jokes apart… As anxious as I had been about the whole ‘coming out’ ordeal, I was still regular old Marius to most.
Whilst confronting my sexuality might not have been much of an issue, reconciliating my love of freedom with being ng in a stable, monogamous relationship and the fact that he’d be going away soon were still valid reasons for me to end things.
A few weeks later, and it was down to just one issue. When Pedro told me he wanted ‘to talk’, I was already bracing myself for the worst. Turns out, he had just gotten himself a job here in Malta. This, of course, meant he could extend his visa and live here indefinitely. “CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! This makes it official! He’s gonna stay here and we’ll live happily ever after and… Crap, I don’t want this! I’m too young for this! I have my career to think about! Plus, I just started this adventure and I wanted to experiment a little more!”.
I was freaking out. I was in my first ever relationship and up until that moment I thought I had been happy. And suddenly I wanted out. I had kinda made up my mind about breaking things off. I was sure of it. I had already rehearsed how I’d end it. I would’ve probably gone with the classic “It’s not you, it’s me…” and then ramble on about having to put medicine first and that I couldn’t afford to spend my time playing around with a boy.
But then… Every single time, unfailingly, we would have another one of those conversations and all those insecurities would just dissipate into nothingness. All I’d be able to think about would be us two lying on that couch with his head on my chest. That’s when ‘me gustas’ suddenly turned into ‘te amo’ as I realised I loved him. I was in love.
