II.I.V – Budding
II.I.V
BUDDING
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe… Girl, boy, girl, boy. Man, this was getting confusing. There’s a way to talk to girls and a way to talk to guys. And talk, talk, talk I did but I knew that sooner or later I was gonna have to go out with a guy if I wanted to really give this new adventure a shot. And so I did.
Enter Pedro. Pedro is a Colombian guy who happened to be studying English in Malta. Not only was he a guy, but he was also thirteen years older than I was, not to mention that there’d also be a gap when it came to communication. Back then I knew no Spanish whatsoever and his English was limited at best. But it didn’t matter. I had finally set my mind on going out on a date with a guy, and so, without further ado, we agreed to meet up.
I picked him up and he greeted me with a high five. “That’s new!” I remember myself thinking. Then he welcomed me to his humble abode and as with any other first date I helped him out with his English homework before we headed off. We already seemed to click in some way. But whether it was chemistry or just friendship I had no idea.
Then we got into my car and I gave him the usual disclaimer; “I’m a horrible driver, I’m worse when it comes to directions and I’m the worst at parking. We might crash a couple of times, but I’ve always managed to survive so far and there’s an extra airbag on your side just in case”. With that in mind we drove off. Somehow, we managed to get to one of my favourite hangout spots in one piece – a beach bar where we sat down to have a couple of drinks while we made small talk.
“It doesn’t feel that weird” I thought to myself. “Just like hanging out with a friend”. We started discussing politics and of course I was already hooked. Had I not over-emphasised how passionate I was about medicine before that he would have probably thought I studied law or philosophy. Evidently, I was way into the conversation. I could have been a politician myself, hands raised up in the air and my voice raised even higher, driving the crowd wild in a frenzy of angst against the opposition. I finished what by now was a monologue about the local political climate by asking him about the one in Colombia. He stared intently, as if trying hard to come up with some sort of answer only Dumbledore could conjure and what came out of his mouth was “Can I kiss you?”.
You see, back then his sexy Antonio Banderas voice wasn’t sexy. He was just a random guy I was hanging out with. It was totally platonic, and by then I had totally forgotten this was an actual date. And suddenly this random guy asks me if he could kiss me. “What the hell is wrong with this guy? And what about the heated discussion we were having? Is he gonna leave me hanging?”.
It’s a pet peeve of mine when someone changes the subject mid-way during a conversation (though I’m completely okay doing it myself). I don’t do small talk. There is always a reason why I talk to someone. Maybe it’s an interesting subject. Maybe it’s a subject I don’t know much about. Or maybe it’s an opinion I haven’t heard before. Either way there’s always a reason. And if I don’t get what I want I’ll keep on going back to that subject until I get the closure I so rightfully deserve. “Why did he change the subject now of all times? Wait, wait. What? WHAT?
“Did he just ask if he could kiss me? Who the hell does that?!”. I’d never ask. I’d just go in for the kiss! Oh, right, yes. We’re two guys. Two guys can’t just start making out in a public space I guess… Uuuuhm”. I leaned forward, our lips locked. “It feels… okay?” I wasn’t really attracted to him. But I wasn’t not attracted to him. “He is a really good kisser though…” I thought to myself. We broke away from the kiss. His brown eyes stared right into mine. Brown, kind eyes.
His eyebrows were furrowed as if he was still deciphering whether I was into him or not. I was still wondering about his country’s political state. “Is it thriving? Is it in turmoil? Will I ever get to know?”. He smiled. And after a few seconds of silence he went on about Colombia. He didn’t speak perfect English, but this was the first worthwhile conversation I had had in quite a while.
Then we went back to his place (under false pretence, might I add). I was completely unaware of the fact that kids these days have traded the good old ‘doing the nasty-nasty’ for the more Gen Z version of ‘Netflix n’ chill’. As a person who seemingly lives under a rock and hates euphemisms, I took it in the literal sense. Boy was I wrong.
It had been quite a while since I had slept with someone. It wasn’t really a dry spell so much as a desert jinx. Some of my dearest friends thought I had been undergoing an aggressive course of revirginization at that point. Lo and behold, after months and months of celibacy there I was – my ‘insecurities’ all splayed out in the open. In front of a guy this time round. It wasn’t just a matter of intimacy really, it was also the mechanics of it all. I had no idea how this was gonna work. But believe it or not, this is not some sort of erotica one would find behind a curtain in a book shop so I’m just gonna go right ahead and skip the main action.
Again, it was okay – nothing mind-blowing. I had had better, I had had worse. But it was the ‘after’ that had me wondering whether this was different than the rest. I remember lying on the couch with him. His head on my chest. He looked up and our eyes locked. And I think… I think that was the first time I ever felt like I truly connected with someone.
It’s not hard to understand why that was the case. I had had one-night stands with girls before. But that’s it. Never anything nearing a relationship. Some attractions and infatuations occasionally, but never anything deeper than that. Except for this one girl back in college whom I was obsessed with. I actually do believe I loved her back then, though it may not have been the real kind of love. It was me over-idealising her. Even so, I knew I wasn’t good enough for her. I felt like I wasn’t mature enough and I had some more growing up to do before I’d be anything other than a dead-weight to her. But nothing ever really happened. We both went our own separate ways and that’s it really. To this day she remains my one and only ‘what if’.
But this? This was something else. This was something I had never felt before. A perfect moment with the right person. A sense of belonging. Complete and total safety. Something I had never felt before…