I.II.II – Fellowship
I.II.II
FRIENDSHIP
September 2015 was a month of many firsts for me. I was nineteen, making my way downtown, strutting my stuff and painting the town red. Me and my trusty leather jacket, all hip and trendy. Like what the cool kids say. Cause I‘m just that cool.
I’d be a med student in a few weeks’ time and I was all for it! I was literally shaking and on the verge of gushing every time I thought about it for the better part of that month. I could just taste it! The privilege, the excellence, the awe! I’d be studying medicine. M.E.D.I.C.I.N.E. Med-i-cine. Such a beautiful word. Picture my face with stars for eyes and that’s exactly how I looked. I was just five years away from starting my training as a surgeon!
Before starting university, there would also be another very important first for me. Back then, I was still an islander through and through. In the sense that I had never left my country – Malta. Now, for the first time in nineteen years, I was heading to Barcelona with my friends. I know. Quite the late bloomer. An airplane virgin if you will.
Despite being the spontaneous and adventurous person that I usually am, it had taken quite a lot of effort for my friend to convince me to join the trip. I guess my hesitation stemmed from a couple of things. First off, my exorbitant lack of money. Then there was my sick father whom I didn’t wanna leave. And then the fact that I had never travelled before. Travelling was always something that I’d envision doing sometime. I was very aware of how small and limiting Malta is, how confined I had been throughout my entire life. Yet somehow, at that point in my life, it hadn’t dawned on me exactly how much I needed to broaden my horizons. Now? Now I had the prefect opportunity.
I scrounged up what little savings I had earned from my summer job and decided to treat myself. Standing at the airport with my over-packed luggage, it felt pretty much as if I was going on a school trip, especially with my friends’ parents sending us off. Everything was new to me – from doing check-in to going through security. You can imagine my excitement the first time I got on a plane, despite Ryanair’s non-existent leg space cramping up all my emotions. But damn… That feeling when the plane becomes airborne. When you’re gazing right into the clouds for the very first time. Simply priceless!
Then came all the other firsts. Like taking the first step outside of the airport in a foreign country. The different climate, the architecture, the language, the food. Staying at an Airbnb, using the metro, roaming the streets, exploring parks, visiting museums, hiking up mountains, riding rollercoasters at amusement parks. All the while trying out new food and attempting to memorise some Spanish. It was five days of pure ecstasy. Five days of discovery.
Everything was new. Exactly like stepping into a different world. One that I had seen in movies and travel brochures and the internet. One I couldn’t possibly begin to understand until I found myself there. Right there and then, I knew that I had unlocked a new dimension to my previously confined and limited world. Suddenly, medicine wasn’t my one and only passion any longer.
That trip changed me in more ways than one. It became the first on a list that has only kept on growing in size ever since. Not only did it end up as one of my most cherished memories ever, it also seemed to forge a relationship with my friends unlike any other.
We were a group of people who had serendipitously stumbled upon each other. We all had our friends and families, but somehow, it felt as if we had become irreplaceable to each other – we got each other in a way no one else would. Black sheep who never really fit in elsewhere until the very moment we got together, and then it was us against the world. A very cliché scenario – I know.
Coming back from that trip, it felt as if our bond was stronger than ever. I remember having doubts on what would happen once I’d start my course. Everything was suddenly going to change. “Would I have as much time for them from now on? Would new friendships get in the way of old ones?” Nah. Those friends had become family. We had become so close in a way I would have never thought possible. The cast of Friends, Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother had nothing on us!
I had had great friends before then – and best friends. But these people? They had became something more than that. They became my family – something I never thought I’d have. You see, in my actual family I was always the odd one out. My relationship with my mother? No comment. That with my brother is a whole other can of worms. My father I had just gotten to like, though our relationship was still awkward at best. So not only was this group a safe space for me to seek refuge in, it was in a way the family I always wanted but never had. Turns out, water may be thicker than blood after all.
Only that was perhaps a bit too naïve . Slowly, but surely, things started to change. Some started to distance themselves until they were practically out of the group. Others were too invested in their studies or work to put in as much effort. Some simply lost interest. Others gave up. By the end, it was just a few of us left, suspended in limbo.
What happened is a phenomenon my (ex)friend used to refer to as the ‘honeymoon period’. You get married, you go on your honeymoon and everything’s perfect. You look into your spouse’s eyes and everything’s right with the world. Add to that an espresso martini (excuse me while I salivate) and you can just picture the both of you on the patio of a great mansion playing with your grandkids. There is no end in sight. There’s just that happy, shiny bubble of pure bliss and nothing can pop that. Until… POP! You’re staring right in the cold dead eyes of divorce.
And that’s exactly what happened to us. People started drifting away until it was suddenly just a few of us left and the group was never again the same. It was all so very different. Like we used to be a rainbow and suddenly a couple of colours just melted off, leaving behind a dull, grey cloud. I used to think we were indivisible but man was I wrong. Just like that, we went from the Gellers to the Kardashians. I have no idea why I used this reference – in fact I apologise for it. I know next to nothing about them and I don’t plan on changing that… There’s Kim, Kylie, Kendall, K-… Great, now I’m thinking of KitKats. FOCUS!
Worst of all was the realisation that friends do indeed come and go – that everyone, no matter how close, can let you down. It was around that time that I started turning inwards and became my own best friend. I started writing down my thoughts instead of sharing them. Reading a book by the sea replaced going out for brunch. Having a bubble-bath with a glass of red replaced the billions of shooters I’d usually consume on a regular Saturday night. I cut myself off from almost everyone and became kind of a recluse. And for a while there, I think I was actually happier for it. I connected with myself and got to know me more than I ever had.
Having said that, there was always that feeling of solitude looming in the background. I knew I had to let other people in again at some point – that that lifestyle wouldn’t be feasible in the long-term. Everyone needs people in their corner, a support system. Facing life on your own makes it unnecessarily hard, and, unnecessarily boring. Friends may come and go, but not if you can help it.
I learned that the hard way. I learned that after having lost so many people. People who played a very important part in my life that are now nothing but ghosts. People who could have stayed in my life had I not taken them for granted. I was too proud to admit it back then, and even if it took me quite a while to realise that, I did learn. To let the people closest to me know they’re appreciated. To use actions and words. Cause the alternative is just too painful.